The Rainbow Room

Dear 2011:

2011-12-23T00:20:00.000-08:00

I always post my Year in Reflection letter over at my other spot, but I decided to cross-post it here also this year just because I can. Without further wait....

Dear 2011: Let me start by saying that you are sneaky, slick, fast, and conniving as hell . I swear, you just got here!!! It was just January three weeks ago. smh. It's like I blinked, and it was Thanksgiving. This has been one of the fastest years of my life in a long time and i'm not quite sure how I feel about it. It's like i've been in a coma for twelve months and somehow I slept through an entire year! Only...i didnt sleep much this yr at all. lol. Seriously though...I feel like I can joke and play with you, 2011, because you were so much more kinder and gentler to me than your evil ass sister, 2010. That bitch...

So how do I run this year down? Just because I like to do things like this, I'll come up with 3 words to describe 2011:

Tangible
Scary
Transformational

Yeah. Those are three good ones. 2011 brought more clarity to me than i've felt in a long time and that automatically made it better than the couple of years before it. Of course, along with seeing things more clearly, comes fear. It's hard to be afraid of that which you can't see or feel. But once you see things clearly for what they truly are...fear can settle in because then you have certain responsibilities on your shoulders: decision-making, self-accountability, damage control, etc. Shit is scary. But it's real. And it's necessary. Without blunt, raw, genuine honesty and the ability to SEE clearly...there's no room for change and growth. Without change and growth, you remain stuck in whatever has enough power to hold you back. 2011 taught me well. This year I have opened to the necessity of change in ways I can't and wont explain here, but i feel in my heart and soul will lead to further transformation in one form or another. And for that, I am thankful. I cried a lot over these 12 months. A LOT. The difference between the bulk of my tears this year, and ALL of them last year is that most of the tears that fell in 2011 were cleansing, therapeutic and a way for my soul to express that I was "getting what needed to be got". My heart is in a slightly better place because this year has shown ME how to be a little bit better to it. *smile*...thank you.

Oh and I also kinda sorta finally GRADUATED from undergrad this year!!!!!!!!!! :) Automatically makes 2011 go hard.

2012, I have high hopes for you and you have large shoes to fill. I'm not worried though because there's so much more work to be done and so many ways for you to show up and gift me with something beautiful. I'm so ready.

Physical versus Emotional: A game of monogamy

2011-12-15T23:36:00.000-08:00

I was minding my business on Facebook when I came across this comment:

There is a big difference between thinking someone is attractive and having feelings for them. Me and my girl both find people attractive, but having specific feelings for another person is not okay. The day she develops feelings with someone else is the day we have to end it. I don't share. If she loved me or was "in love" with me she wouldn't have feelings for anyone else.

Of course, this got me thinking about relationships and monogamy. Most of us seem to be striving for that certain type of love. I hesitate to say a "fairytale romance" because I don't know what that means. But y'all get what I'm saying. The kind of romance that makes you wanna speed 85mph, rushing home to milk every golden second that you possibly can with your love. The relationship that makes you say yes way more often than no. Kisses that tease smiles from the corners of your lips and quiet moments of intimacy that seem to go on and on...and on. Most of us want that. But when we find it, how long can we really keep it?

Forever is a long time. I've heard that nothing lasts forever and the only thing that goes on and on for eternity is death. [cue morbid music] So what does that mean for the state of amazing relationships? If the relationship is that amazing, one would want to hold on to that person, and only that person, for dear life....right? I would think so. But then I blink and reality seeps back in. Even amazing, love-song inspired, gone with wind-esque meets Romeo and Juliet [without the suicide] romances are susceptible to human error, lust, need, and greed. As expressed in the comment above, most of us have eyes that work, and we are bound to find people attractive outside of our nucleus relationships. I don't find anything particularly wrong with that. I'm reasonable enough to know that my ass, hips, lips, thighs and other delicious parts aren't the only delicacies in the world. So look and look some more, as long as you don't touch.

But how realistic is it to set those parameters on a relationship that two ppl intend to stay in forever? "Baby, I wanna be with you until you die. Which hopefully wont be for a good 60 yrs. And in those 60 years, i expect you to ONLY have sex with me, myself, and I. Not including masturbation. Carry on." O_o

It's a great thought. Having the kind of love that sustains any and all temptation. But is it a better thought than being in a relationship where either person can choose to pursue a physical connection with someone else every now and then as long as the act is fully disclosed?? And if you do have some type of physical arrangement that works for you, what do you do when emotions come to play? Some people say physical indiscretions are way easier to forgive and brush off than emotional. So if your life partner emotionally cheats...do you walk away? Even if you want that person with everything in you...

Is it possible to be in love with someone even if you are not emotionally committed to them?

I could go on and on with the questions so i'll stop there and give up the floor.

I'm gay so i have to settle.

2011-12-11T16:48:00.000-08:00

I was on the train the other day and I overheard [basically I was earhustling on] a woman and her 2 male friends having a coversation about the current dating scene. Typically, these types of convos are great for entertainment because everyone thinks they're Dr. Phil when everyone is seriously just as confused as the next person. So yeah, comedy. But I didn't do much laughing at this conversation once the woman made this comment:

"Well i kinda gave up on finding the woman of my dreams years ago
once i realized that my standards had to drop below subpar when i started dating women."

O_o

Really? And she said it with a dead straight face and a somber tone. Like that shit made her instantly depressed deep down in her bones. But for why? I dont understand. Someone explain to me why random woman would feel like this??

I'm about as lesbian as one can get. You might not be able to tell it by looking at me [you know ppl swear up and down that all lesbians must be masculine identified in order to be REAL lesbians *sigh*]
But yeah. I'm hella gay. And i',m also probably the pickiest chick you will ever virtually meet. There are certain things you need to have going for you for me to even begin to be interested. No, "picky" does not = shallow. You dont NEED to be ballin out of control, or the prettiest thing in a fitted hat and timbs [altho that is a vice of mine. #confessions Dont judge me] But you do need to have some intellect goin on upstairs. I need to be able to speak candidly with you about things goin on in other countries. I need you to know what's going on when I turn to CNN and not just stare at the screen with a blank stare impatiently waiting for me to turn back to the Kardashians . I need you to do things like...read. Partake in the arts. I am an artist. I need you to be interested in culture, and not necessarily just the one you belong to. And no, you don't need to be a college student just because I am one. But you do need to have goals that will better your life and the life of a potential family. If ANY of this is too much...then you automatically know that you + I aint gonna quite work.

I had these same expectations before I realized I was gay. When did being same-sex loving equate to settling on any and everything? No ma'am. I dont have that kind of time to waste on someone i know wont be able to hold my attention [or my respect if you really wanna keep it real]

So yeah. What's up with the "I'm gay so i gotta settle" argument? Help me out....

Happiness = Fiction ?

2011-11-26T00:45:00.000-08:00

I've recently become aware that I have spent the majority of my life buying into false pretenses of happiness. Well, some of them have just been shallow pretenses, others completely false. Examples of shallow happiness are: being happy because someone tells me i'm cute, being happy when someone buys me something, etc. Shallow pretenses of happiness are common and fairly harmless, I guess. It's not necessarily a bad thing to feel some sort of elation when you get a compliment or when you are surprised with a gift. Those things kinda make life a little more sparkly, you know? As long as you don't get entirely wrapped up in seeking those shallow moments out and making them the most important things in the world.... it's okay.

False pretenses, on the other hand, are all bad. They're also the hardest to let go of. An example of a false pretense of happiness is a bit more complex to describe. Think about a relationship that may appear to be healthy and happy from an outsiders perspective. But within the privacy of four walls, the relationship is on the brink of misery but the two ppl involved just dont know how to let go because they are all each other knows and without one another they swear they'll be unhappy. This is such a common false pretense of happiness. Happiness that is dependent on another person. On a lofty desire for a perfect relationship.

For myself, I have been caught up in selfish false happiness. I am the baby in my family. My siblings are 13 and 15 yrs older than me. I was spoiled. I was used to being the center of attention. And I was used to getting my way. This turned into me being a somewhat entitled adult. I thought I should get whatever I wanted, everyone should listen to me, things should go MY way and I should be able to do whatever I wanted to do and not be questioned about shit. My self-centered double-standard perception = happiness to me for the longest of time. You know, the whole ignorance is bliss mindset. Then I reached my early 20's and slowly but surely I was introduced to reality. God only knows how long I would've stayed in that fog of blind selfishness mistaking my vanity, conceit and rudeness as happiness. smh.

So now i've grown past that phase. But that leaves me wondering...what is happiness? How is it achieved? How do we know if its the real thing? Im left wondering if I have ever truly experienced being happy in my own skin. Happy with myself first and foremost. Then happy with my relationship, friendships, professional life, etc. What does it feel like? Is it something that lasts forever once you find it or does it ebb and flow depending on life and circumstance?

I'm a little bit overwhelmed with feeling as if I may never know the extent of my own happiness because I dont even know what i'm looking for....

And that's how you queer Thanksgiving

2011-11-25T15:35:00.000-08:00

Holidays just haven't been IT for awhile now. Like...I remember being young and absoultely adoring Thanksgiving and Christmas. Something in the weather and the lights/smells of the season excited the hell outta me. Now i'm grown...and it's just not the same. I cant blame it fully on my age though because I know many adults who go hard for the holidays. But for the last few years (more like the last ten) i havent been too excited. I mean, the food is always somethin to look forward to but its supposed to be about way more than that right?

What about the festivities? Family, friends, being thankful, laughter, jokes, bright lights, singing, cooking, sleeping in or not sleeping at all. What about all of that? I just feel so OUT of it. As if it's all become so routine and blah...sigh

And then last night happened. So my gf and I went to my Uncle's house and it was great seeing everyone. The food was on point of course. [including my bomb ass garlic potatoes] Then we went to a friends house who happens to be one of those adults who live and die for Christmas. Good times. After that I was tired and basically ready to go home and pass out in my typical turkey/mac & cheese food coma. But i still had my own house to make an appearance at. I live in a huge house with 8 other artists/community activists. A few of them got together and cooked a feast and invited a bunch of ppl over and I wouldnt have felt good about myself if I didn't spend some time with them. So I did. And what was gonna be a typical Thanksgiving night turned into a night of imprmptu photo shoots with props, wine, interpretive dancing, AND (the best part) slow dancing/singing to old school 90's slow jams. Nothing but a bunch of lesbians/bisexuals/trans family enjoying one another and being IN the moment. I really enjoyed and needed it.

Let's see how I can slant Christmas and New Years!!

A night of Poetry and Healing...

2011-11-20T11:23:00.000-08:00

This past Friday, I and JDX (Jezebel Delilah X), peformed together at this amazing event shown above. If you didn't know, I am in a performance poetry group called Griot Noir. We are three young lesbian women of color who came together in friendship and felt an instant creative connection so we began to make art together in the form of spoken word/story-telling/monologue/song. One of the members of our group was out of town and she was greatly missed but JDX and I really enjoyed doing this event. It was a benefit for The Living Room Project and Our Space. The Living Room project provides accessible and affordable health services, various healing workshops and event space for the LGBT community in the San Francisco bay area. Our Space provides a safespace for LGBT youth up to the age of 24, including counseling, trauma-healing workshops and other mental health services.

I was so honored to be asked to perform at this event, obviously because it's for a phenomenal cause. But also, I really enjoy creating art for and with my LGBT community. I felt so connected to the audience and I feel as if it was a reciprocal experience. I performed a spoken word piece investigating self-love, and the struggle of healing/moving on to a new lover after you have experienced an act of sexual violence. <----wasn't easy to write. But I needed to. It was cathartic for me in a way that only writing and performing can do. I really do love the LGBT community in the bay area. Nothing quite like it.

When the IN fades...

2011-11-07T00:00:00.000-08:00

"I am now able to look back on and analyze our relationship from an outside, mental point of view because my heart has no remnants of the IN."

I follow a lot of great LGBT blogs and it never fails that I'm creatively motivated by one thing or another from other bloggers posts. Tonight I came across a post from one of my favorites, My Affinity, which is where I got the above quote. Read it again...and think about that moment in time...that person who you never thought you would ever fall out of that emotionally charged hyper-sensitive chaotic life changing love. Do you remember that? When you were caught up dead in the center of the knot...tangled...turned every which way and didn't know whether you were comin or going. Remember staying up well past midnight losing sleep and mental energy by way of tears and poetry...remember that? When every mention of that person sparked either a smile or a cringe because of a memory too sticky sweet to let go.

That's being IN. You can't really 'do' anything when you're IN. Might as well surrender to it and let it flow however it wants...

But like everything else in the cycle of life, if being IN is not properly nourished, cared for, protected, defended, respected and most importantly, WANTED...it will fade. Even though it feels like the feelings couldn't possibly go anywhere...time has a way of making us look back and say damn...remember when ...????

Have you ever just felt it, that moment when you realize the IN is gone? Usually you can tell when it's starting to turn transparent...but do you ever take note of the exact moment when it's honestly, fully, solidly just no longer? smh. It's a powerful strange reflective moment.

"Time changes things. Time heals all wounds. Time makes a fool out of what we thought we knew..."

BABY KNOWLES SOON TO COME!!!

2011-08-28T21:34:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Bey isn't gay but many call her a gay icon and i'd have to agree since 94.5% of her dance routines are birthed in the depths of some sweaty gay night club sooo....yeah. That's why i'm posting this here. lol.

With that said, FINALLY a mini Bedazzled Diva, or a mini Don Hov will grace the world with his or her royal presence in about 7-8 months. So that puts the miraculous day riiiight around April or May of 2012. I approve. Bey knew PRECISELY what she was doin. I know because that's precisely what I plan on doing. Get pregnant towards the end of summer when it's a bit cooler so i wont have to be both ridiculously huge AND hot...the bulk of her pregnancy will be during the winter and fall, leading into a cool breezy spring birth. Beyonce is noone's fool! She said fuck all of yall tryin to pressure her into havin 4875 babies when YALL were ready. She knew WHAT she wanted WHEN she wanted and now she's about to have it. Im truly happy for Mr & Mrs. Carter.

And the WAY she announced it!!! Who else gets to just totally interrupt the MTV Video Music Awards with a baby announcement and subsequently stop anyone from giving a hell about ANYthing else that occurs AFTER that announcement?? Beyonce Gisselle Knowles. That's who! Y'all better take notes. Who is gonna pause life when YOU announce your pregnancy? *crickets* mm hmmm. lol. Oh well.

Bets on how many weeks it takes her after she has the baby until she's back into a sequined onesie and 8 inch heels......O_o

Twisted knot of intimacy

2011-07-27T23:41:00.000-07:00

A rather astute FB friend of mine posted a status earlier today that simply said "Companionship is NOT the same thing as a relationship." I wholeheartedly agree. That got me thinking though about how ~~intricate~~ [fucked up] situations can become when the lines between friendship/companionship/relationship are blurred whether it be on purpose or an ooops.

I feel like most ppl know the definition of a friend, a lover, and a companion. But just for the hell of it, here you go.

FRIEND: A person who has regard for another by means of platonic affection and interaction.
LOVER: A person who has a sexual and/or romantic relationship with another.
COMPANION: A person who is frequently in the company of, associates with, or accompanies another and feels safe doing so.

These categories seem pretty clear cut on the surface. But uh uh. No ma'am. People start mixin & minglin with different expectations/interpretations and before you know it, some type of drama unravels. I feel like this. You can't have a real friendship without sharing a sense of companionship with that person. You CAN have a romantic relationship without having a sense of companionship...but it sucks big time and that relationship will not last. You CAN have a friend...who is also your lover...but we all know how bad sex usually complicates things. [not BAD sex, just sex in general, whether its good or bad. Although sucky sex can royally mess shit up. But I digress] You can also have a friend who makes a great companion and you would be feelin' them in the lover department, but you're too afraid to take it there so y'all are just stuck in that severely awkward phase where everyone around y'all kinda just stare at you like who the hell are YALL tryin to fool O_0 smh.

It's a lot. Especially when emotional attachments are in the picture, or when you're in a relationship with someone and have really close friendships outside of the relationship and jealousy surfaces from the partner OR from the friends. sigh. It makes my head hurt. I'm thinking that it's not that people don't know what friendship or relationships mean. I think it's the P word that throws things off. So...here's what the dictionary says.

PLATONIC: Free from sensual desire. Void of connections both physical and emotional that are parallel to that of a [healthy] romantic relationship.

Yep. Most people get a massive FAIL when it comes to developing and maintaining strictly platonic friendships. There seems to always be SOMEthing that SOMEone can't refrain from doing that adds an extra layer of intimacy to a friendship that muddies the water. [or makes it more beautiful, depending on who you ask] SO what the hell to do!!?? Do you choose to not have close friends? Do you choose to not have a life partner? Do you have both and just deal with the drama as it comes, oh and it WILL come in one form or another. Do you lock yourself away and tell everyone to fuck themselves cuz aint none of yall shit anyway???

I mean...i'm just sayin.

Sean La'mont: True artists touch

2011-06-24T15:35:00.000-07:00

First things first: HAPPY PRIDE!!!! ;) What is everyone getting into this wkend? Im saving all of my energy for Sunday= SF parade & pride celebration during the day, clubbin that night, sleep on Monday :) well, until i have to go to work. Boooo. Anywho, so check it. My gf and I recently went out to Atlanta for a few nights to enjoy friends, family, food, graduations and the club scene of course. What I coulda done without was the 145 degree heat. My cali girl roots copped a serious attitude at that ridiculous Georgia humidity! Y'all Atliens are already quite prepared for hell. But anywho...at one of the club events we attended [i was sober the entire nite, congratulate me!] there was an artist selling hand sketched drawings on 18x24 canvases. My girl saw the artist a few nights before at a previous club event and was so excited at the opportunity for me to see the artwork. I automatically saw why. AMAZING talent. Ridiculous, really. Sean La'Mont is an artist who knows her shit. She paints portraits of celebrities and non-celebrity poses and the attention to detail is on point. My girl bought two canvases, one of MJ (love you Michael!!!) and one of Janet Jackson (my wifey ;) and they are so SO nice. I also got some smaller prints of two women engagin in grown folk activity ;) Mmm hmm. Y'all know I love all things artistic so I had to support this. AND she's fam, so in the spirit of Pride, Pls check out her website http://seanlamont.comand tell me i'm wrong.

OH! I left out the best part. Sean would like to draw my girlfriend and I as her first stud/femme portrait!! *cheesin* You know i'm about to have a billboard of that on the side of my house. lol

No, really tho.

#whomad

2011-06-14T17:08:00.000-07:00

PRIDE is in the air and everything smells hella gay!!! *love* The pic below pretty much explains what i'm excited about

shot shot shot shot shot shot

I shall be partyin in SF and Oakland on Sunday June 26, starting around noonish until some illegal ungodly hour of the night. Join me and my sexy lil shot glass!!

Prude vs Rude

2011-05-20T17:11:00.000-07:00

So it has been a minute since I blogged about sex. Let's go ahead and end the dry spell and dive right in. I've had a few entertaining conversations with some friends of mine on the topic of how soon is too soon to take it "there" with someone you are dating. "There" is the polite way of saying giving up the ass...or the strap, whichever way you swing it.

Now me personally, I don't have a particular time constraint. You know some women swear by the three month rule (two months if you have $$) . That just seems a bit anal to me. [no pun intended] But I have never and don't plan on ever letting ANYone hit on the first night. Or the second. Or the third. lol. I know the goods are on point and I will make you work for them. So no second week nookie over here. But if i'm kickin it with someone and the vibe is there, and we are both feelin it, and there's a strong connection...i'm not gonna block just because three solid months haven't passed. To me that goes beyond being a prude. It's RUDE. Rude to the person you are making out with only to send home night after night to hump on cold pillows alone, and rude to yourself!!! Please pay close attention here. I AM NOT ADVOCATING BEING A HEAUX. No ma'am. Never that. But come on now. Learn how to loosen up a little bit and enjoy yourself with someone if there's a connection there. Explore your sexuality and let it flow. [Pun intended.] But by all means, be safe and have discretions. Loosening up is not the same as being loose. I will never sleep with anyone who I don't feel is worth it. And by worth it , I mean I can see myself coming back for more, and I can see her being someone I would actually invest time on. Sorry to all of you one night stand advocates. *shrug*

What makes someone a prude? What makes someone a hoe? Talk about it...

Movie Review- The Kids Are Alright SPOILERS INSIDE

2011-01-13T14:43:00.000-08:00

The above picture is one of the early scenes from the film, The Kids Are Alright.

So um...the kids might be spectacular, but I'm not. The film stars Annette Benning, Julianne Moore, Mark Ruffalo, Mia Wasikowska and Josh Hutcherson. May I put emphasis on Annette Benning and Julianne Moore. Two highly regarded actresses whom I have enjoyed in everything they've done because they are extremely picky about the roles they choose.

With this movie, they not only dropped the ball on selecting amazing roles, they completely deflated it. I can't even explain how UGGH i felt after watching this. My partner and I were seriously looking at each other like are they f*&$%g serious!?

So the movie basically went like this. Annette and Julianne (Nic and Jules) are a comfortably middle class lesbian couple who have been together for years. They have each carried one child, a girl and a boy, whom they have raised together. Their daughter, Joni, is the oldest who has just made 18 and their son, Laser, is 16. Laser approaches his sister one night and asks if she has considered "the thing" he talked to her about. She pretty much said uhh yeah and no i dont wanna do it so leave me alone. Laser looks broke and dejected about it and Joni finally gives in and says ILL DO IT DAMN! The mysterious "thing" they're speaking of is Laser's desire for Joni to reach out to their sperm donor. In California, if a donor selects the option to be contacted, the children (is the word begotten? lol. I'll just roll with that) begotten from his sperm can opt to reach out to the sperm donor after their 18th bday. Laser is too young to contact his father so he wants Joni to do it. Joni does.

In comes Paul (Mark Ruffalo). He accepts the kids suggestion to get together. They meet up for a quick lunch and its kinda awkward but they decide they want to be a part of his life. So they tell their mom's about it and a huge happy family dinner is arranged. Hence, that picture at the top. Annete and Julianne, or Nic & Jules, were not exactly doing cartwheels when their kids told them what was up, but they did decide to entertain the idea. The dinner went well, but the first thing I noticed was the unspoken tension between Paul and Jules. He was flirting with her. It was subtle. But it was there. I saw where it was goin and I did not like it.

Oh and it went there. Over and over again. Jules, who was supposed to be committed to and in love with Nic, banged Paul every which way past Tuesday. Many times! *sigh* It all started with her saying "when I look at you i see my kids..." blah. That doesn't even sound right. I look at you and i see my son so that makes me horny. o_O Have a seat Jules. You trollop.

So yeah. She cheats on Nic while Nic continues to welcome Paul into their home, getting to know him, letting the kids get close to him. Smh. Oh and did i mention that Nic and Jules dont have ONE SINGLE adequate sex scene between the two of them?? The movie shows Jules gettin twisted, tossed, and turned by Paul, but her and her wife's sex life is flatlined________________/ Drier than the Sahara. It's just rude. And completely false. I mean, yeah, couples go thru phases where the sex may not move the universe every single time, and it might not happen as much as they would like, but come on now.

I just absolutely hate the fact that the lesbian fell for the scruffy straight douchebag guy and risked her entire family over some dick! *wooosah* Oh and then the way Nic found out about the affair. mmm. Found her wife's hair (which sheds ALOT. She mite wanna have that checked) all up and IN Paul's bedroom and bathroom. Smh. And then she went back in to dinner with the fam CALMLY!! Couldn't have been me. Jules face woulda been shoved right into her plate. Sorry. Forgive me for my temper.

Thematically, the movie was disappointing. The acting was decent but the plot just irked my last nerve. I know people cheat on each other all the time. And yes, some lesbians fall and slip on real penises from time to time. *shrug* But geez. I don't know. It just rubbed me in all the wrong places. I'm chaffed now. I don't like it. Trying to forget it. Blah.

2010-12-31T22:44:00.000-08:00

HAPPY FREAKIN NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010 sucked

2011 will swallow ;-)

Do Ask and I Might Tell

2010-12-30T14:03:00.000-08:00

And this is just about the hottest picture of Kelly Rowland ever.

Don't Ask Don't Tell is a thing of the shady bigoted homophobic past!! Woooooo! We all know by now that on Dec 18 with a vote of 65 to 31 [31 people still suck] the ban on openly gay servicemembers has finally been repealed, and yes, it was done under the Obama administration. So suck it, bitches. Yeah yeah, I know he needs to do wayyyy more than that to get re-elected in 2012, but uh this is kinda a big deal.

I never quite understood the law anyway. I mean seriously. Did anyone really think NO ONE in the military was gay? Even if u dont ask, they're still gettin it on! SO what's the big damn deal? And not to mention, the name of the stupid law is just rude. DONT ASK DONT TELL. Well okay. But what if I wanna tell you anyway even if you never asked? Or what if you break the law and ask, but I call you a nosey bastard and don't wanna tell?? I still get in trouble!!? smh. It was just all wrong. But it's a done deal now. I wonder how many gays and lesbians are gonna start wearing rainbow bandanas under their helmets. I would...

Guess who started a shiny new blog??!

2010-12-30T02:13:00.001-08:00

Me!!

*crickets*

Wutever, i'm excited about it! It's my new relationship, love & sex blog. I decided to start one because I've been clogging up this space with a bunch of relationship stuff and that really wasn't supposed to be the purpose so yeah, check it out. Let me know what u think.

http://notanotherloveblog.blogspot.com

Taking space in a relationship PT. 2

2010-12-23T16:17:00.000-08:00

I think this is the 1st time i've ever revisited a blog topic. But i've been inspired by a conversation currently happening over on Facebook, so here it goes. Taking space in a relationship remixed.

So one of my FB friends posted the following as her status: "If u love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

It's a well-known quote that we've all probably heard. When i was young (17 and stupid) I thought this was a romantic concept. "Awww, it's kinda like destiny and, Romeo & Juliet and Hope Floats and fairy tales and the things old school love songs are about." I think I even went as far as testing the idea out by randomly breaking up with someone and waiting to see what would happen a few days later. Smh. But now that I am of age (27 and intelligent) I see that taking space isn't much of a laughing matter. It can make or break a relationship and more importantly, make or break a heart. Over the last year, I've spent a lot of time wrapping my mind around the concept of taking space. What it means, what it feels like, what the advantages and disadvantages are. It's not an easy pill to swallow, espescially if you're truly in love and want to actively be with the person who needs the space. Through introspection, questioning, reading articles, and digging around in other people's experiences, I expanded my thoughts on taking space and figured that it might actually be of some good. Maybe space is necessary sometimes when situations become too emotionally charged to calmly and clearly sort out together. Maybe space isn't so scary and evil afterall.

The following is a comment from one of my FB friends regarding the above status:

"I just look at it like this....yes everyone needs space but at the same time when it comes down to the person u see a future with (marriage) u can't walk away from problems and take space...u must sort thru them together...maybe take time before talking but leaving and coming back (several times) isn't healthy. That's not being 'meant to be' its being comfortable with being able to leave the problem and return when the time is good...."

Mmm hmm. And with that one insightful comment I was taken all the way back to my initial feelings on taking space: It's all a crock of shit. *sigh* Why must things be so complicated!? I dont know. But now i'm reminded as to why I was so adamantly against taking space. I agree with the above comment. When you are involved in something serious, and i'm talking long-term, possible life-partner type of thing, what does it say about your relationship if you have to leave one another to work out your problems? I think it says a lot. It says hmm we cant even figure shit out with one another without needing to break up. It says something is missing, It says the ability to problem-solve, communicate and move on is not present. It says RED LIGHT. Which we all know means stop. There is something to be said about a couple who can work through, endure and truly get over problems TOGETHER as a unit. It's admirable. It shows strength and growth. It shows that the time invested has not been a complete waste. That is the thing successful relationships/marriages are made of. Tenacity and perseverance to last through the hard shit and come back stronger to enjoy the upswing. This is how I feel in my heart and what I wish could always happen.

But here I am in my own reality, and I see that sometimes things just don't work out like that. Sometimes the problems cut so deep, and last so long that it feels like it's impossible to even look at one another without getting angry, let alone resolve the issue in a civilized manner. SO there you are at that crossroad. Some may think well if it's that bad, maybe it's time to just let the relationship go. Say goodbye and part ways. But when is it ever that easy? And beneath all of the anger, hurt and confusion, what if you know you still LOVE that person? Do you disregard the love and pack away the relationship entirely? You can. Or you can decide to take space. Time away to calm down, think logically, evaluate yourself and the situation and figure out if there's enough there worth holding on to. And if indeed there is, you come back together ready to approach things sensibly and TOGETHER.

I agree with the statement that repeatedly coming in and out of a relationship is not healthy. That=playing games. If anyone i'm with needs to seriously take space from me more than once, that additional space is gonna be permanent. Take all the space you need for the rest of your life without me. But if the space asked for is a one time thing, and if it's used wisely and NOT abused [click here to see my other post on taking space and how it can be abused] then I still have to agree that sometimes it might be the inevitable last resort worth trying.

Thoughts??

Not exactly lesbianish, but still...it's a post.

2010-12-22T00:07:00.000-08:00

I, and it seems like the majority of people around me, are doing a lot of self-reflection these days. It's a popular thing to do at this time of the year. Trying to figure out what went wrong over the last twelve months and promise not to make the same mistakes in the new year. The whole new years resolution thing is a bunch of crap to me because they are very rarely stuck to, but ehhh *shrug*, if it's your thing, go for it!!!

As for myself, I want to take some time to think about one of the main things that has helped me make it through 2010 and what I will most definitely carry with me into 2011 and beyond: SELF-CONFIDENCE. Self-love, self-esteem, self-security, etc. Different name, same advantages.

Life is a hot sticky unrelenting mess. People are going to bullshit you up and down a wall. You're gonna get your heart smashed into pieces more than once. So-called friends will stab u in the back with rusty knives. Family will take advantage of their positions and will drag you through the gutter. Some days will be long and hectic, some nights will be cold and lonely. Your feelings will get disregarded. Your emotions will be schizo. Your tears will fall and often, no one will be there to help wipe them away. Sleep will sometimes happen, other times, insomnia will be your best friend. Stress is guaranteed. People will come in and out of your life as if you are nothing but a revolving door for their personal abuse. Yeah. Process that. Then realize this:
THE ONLY PERSON YOU WILL HAVE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, NO MATTER WHAT...IS YOURSELF. I am not saying that you wont have a handful of people in your life who will stick by you through it all. If you're blessed, you will have at least one person. But tomorrow is not promised, and if something happens to that person, you are still left with who???...yourself. If you do not love yourself, why should you expect anyone else to?

We invest so much time in other people. Those who we love and want to have relationships/friendships with. We pour time, effort, hugs & kisses, conversations, gifts, love letters, vacations, tears and laughter into others in order to show how much we care and cherish them. But we treat ourselves like filth by lying to ourselves, depriving ourselves of happiness, staying in horrible situations, punishing ourselves for things we should have BEEN let go of, hanging on to people who mean us nothing but harm, degrading ourselves through actions AND thoughts, subscribing to self-doubt, and carrying the blame for things that will always be outside of our control. We treat ourselves like shit...yet we get angry when other people don't love us how we claim we want to be loved....hmmm

Something is wrong with this picture.

I know that I am not God's gift to the world. But dammit, I have to believe that I'm worth it at least to MYSELF because I gotta live with MYSELF for the rest of my life, and I refuse to be miserable with myself. REPEAT: I REFUSE TO BE MISERABLE WITH MYSELF. I am not perfect. I have flaws the size of Texas and an attitude problem the length of the Nile. I have hurt people that I care about and will regret it for the rest of my life. I have been hurt by people I loved and will probably always have residue left behind from it. I can be difficult to deal with and I have a long way to go to truly learn the value of selfless and patient love. I know that anyone who decides that I am worth loving, deserves some type of special recognition [oscar nomination, lifetime achievement award, sumthin] BUT I know that I am worth it. I have things to offer that should be appreciated and embraced. I know how to love and I should be loved back. I am the only ME walking this earth and I only have one shot at it so why make the mistake of trying to love everyone else while depriving myself??

The quickest way to fail at every single thing you are trying to succeed at is to attempt it while doubting/hating/discounting yourself.

So, I'm asking you to step outside of your fear and take baby steps down the path of self-love and self-preservation. It will be the single most important journey of your life and it's never too late to start.

Please have a beautifully blessed Christmas and a fun and SAFE New year :-)

Thank you for reading my blog. You don't know how much I appreciate it...

Raising kids in a homophobic society

2010-12-10T17:56:00.000-08:00

I grew into my maternal instincts rather late. While old classmates were having babies in their early 20's, I was like ummmm negative. I have too much to do and no time to be shackled by bottles and bibs. I knew I wanted kids, just not when I was 21. But now, I'm 27, and my ovaries are staging a protest. I feel them. Holding little signs, chanting WE WANT BABIES AND WE WANT EM NOW! *sigh*

I guess it is about that time. Approaching 30, just about done with undergrad, on my way to grad school, a lot more mentally stable than I was in my early 20's THANK baby JESUS. So yeah. I want a few little mini-me's. Note: a few. Not a litter. I think I've grown into good mommy material and I know the person I want to have children with is about the most amazing person with kids ever. So we are good on that front. My main concern [outside of trying to explain the process of invitro and surrogacy to my parents] is raising children in this crazy ass world. *triple sigh*

It's hard enough to raise children in a heterosexual home. But for two women, or two men, having a family takes on a whole different slant and it's extremely unfortunate. Behind closed doors, I believe families with same-sex parents can be just as functional or dysfunctional as a family with a mother and a father. If the parents have a strong and healthy bond and know what the hell they are doing, then the children will be raised with as much love and care as any other family. But outside of the walls of the home is where trouble arises. People, adults and other children alike, can be so cruel and ignorant. I can see people's faces now as myself and my partner walk into PTA meetings (I will be at every single one). I can already hear the whispers "are they...no, they aren't...oh my god they are!" smh. I could give a rats ass about the talk personally because I am very good at defending myself. It's my children that I worry about. I can excuse light ridicule from other children towards my kids, because kids will be kids, as long as it doesn't get out of hand. BUT the first time an adult says something ignorant to my babies...i'm goin to jail. I know it. I'm starting my bail money fund next month.

Note to the homophobes of the world: mess with my babies and you get all kinds of f'd up. I'm jus sayin.

I just wish the world was more..I don't know...I hate the word tolerant because I don't feel like i'm doin' anything that needs tolerance. I'm living my life. I just want everyone else to do the same and mind their own business.

Guess I need to prep myself and stock up on blood pressure medication.

On my way to open up a paypal account for that bail fund.....

I jus can't get enough of stud/fem couples swoon

2010-12-09T22:45:00.000-08:00

So it's not a secret at all how much i love studs. They're it for me. Well, actually only one stud is IT for me, but i'm jus sayin. I love the fem/stud relationship dynamic. Something about a feisty, shit-talking, sweet-smelling, lip-gloss wearin femme and a laid-back, dressed-to-kill, sneakers OR dress shoe wearin, smooth-talkin "i got this, babe" stud....mmmmm. Loves it. Not throwin any shade at all to my femme/femme, stud/stud or lableless couples out there. I see yall :-) I jus have a soft spot for stud/femme love. So let's celebrate it!!!!

Last three pics courtesy of : Black is Beautiful, Gay is Good

Being out and staying sane

2010-12-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

Holidays are here, as they are every year around this same time, and that means bomb ass food, holiday parties, cuddle-buddy weather and family! Sounds like good times, right!?

Pffft *eye roll*

Okay so the food is good. Cuddle-buddy weather... ehh, only if u actually have a cuddle buddy worth having. But the FAMILY lawd...the family. Love em to pieces but damn! No one knows how to work a last nerve better than family. Especially when that last nerve is gay and the family is conservativereligiousclosemindedANDstubborn. Let's talk about it.

So I came out to my parents five years ago. They knew I wasn't straight anyway and they knew (and loved) my partner. I felt like i owed them the awkward fireside chat about it. [not exactly how it went but i'll save that for another time] The rest of my family, i kinda feel like I don't owe them anything. lol. Like really. I'm not gonna have that talk with every single member of my family just because we are related. It's unnecessary and it's not happening. They don't march around chanting I'M STRAIGHT AND PROUD so why do i need to wave the rainbow flag at every festive get together?? um..no

But this can make things a little sticky. When I go to above-mentioned holiday get-togethers and I walk in with my partner, those who don't know her just sit there lookin like all damn night. And that gets a bit irritating. Then come the "sneaky" questions. "So is this your best friend?" "Y'all go to school together?" "Have we met her before?" "She looks just like [insert a drunk unce's name here]...is this his daughter??" knowin damn well my girlfriend doesn't look like ANYBODY in our family!! smh. Please stop trying to make us related just because you are uncomfortable with the thought of us NOT bein related, which means we are probably having sex. Yeah. Just stop.

So what do I do about it? If anyone directly asks me, "soooo are yall together?", I'd happily answer YES and probably throw in a hug for their blunt honesty and intelligence it took to put two and two together. But for the other 98% of my family who are just gonna keep fishing all night with that perplexed look on their face, what do I do with them??

*sigh*

Maybe I should hold a townhall meeting for the entire family, make a general announcement:

To all my friends and family by blood or by happenstance, I would just like to take a few seconds to confirm your assumptions and announce my gayness. Yes I am a card-carrying gay agenda having u-haul trucking lesbian who plans on having babies the UNnatural way within the next couple of years and a man wont be within 3 feet of my vajayjay ever again unless he's my gynecologist/obstetrician and even that isn't guaranteed. To all of you who have asked 4887375 times who this is, is this a cousin, is this a classmate, is this a friend from work- SHE is my partner, isnt she sexy? Yeah, I know. Any questions?? No? Okay. Thanks for coming out [no pun intended] and have a lovely day.

Maybe I should. Hmm. Thoughts??

"She's just a friend" and other BS...

2010-12-03T21:05:00.000-08:00

So we've all been there done that. Got yourself caught up in drama with your partner because A, you don't know how to hold your liquor B, you don't know how to shut your mouth C, you don't know how to say NO or D, all of the above. I'm not one to throw stones because lord knows my own house is made of glass. BUT i do a little something called "learning from my mistakes" and some things are just not worth the bullshit. Here are a few of those things and phrases to stay far far away from if you are trying to keep a happy home (happy = someone not goin upside your head with a hard object)

"She's just a friend" - Negative. If she was, you wouldn't have any reason to say so. Spare yourself and your partner the waste of time and re-evaluate the friendship. If it's something you can fix, fix it. If not, it's either your friend or your partner. Make your decision, stick to it and move on with life.

Deleting text messages and phone records- Unless you know how to tap into your wireless carrier's online site, you can delete from your phone all you want, the evidence of your late night convos will still be readily available online. Especially if you have T-mobile :-)

Forgetting bdays & anniversaries- Um isnt that one reason why you're around anyway?! Lock it into your phone, set an alarm, circle the calendar, program it into your computer, SOMEthing. Technology is far too advanced to forget things like this. Hell, order the flowers months early if u have to, then u can forget about it with no worries.

Forgetting your manners- Thank you, I appreciate it, No one does it better, Mmmm i've been waiting for this all day...just a few simple words to show that you aren't taking your partner for granted. When you start leaving these sentiments out, it's a sign that a rift is developing. Stop it.

Calling your partner by someone else's name- 0_o Do i really need to explain why this is a no no? And it doesn't matter whether it's during sex or not. I don't care if all we are doin is shopping for garbage bags, if you call me by another woman's name, it means she's on your mind and not me. So how about u go clear your mind and return when you're ready? K, thanx, bye.

Spending too much time with the homies/girls - Friends are good. No, friends are great. They make the world go around. But when your partner feels like you'd rather be with your friends than spending q-time with her, nothing good can come from it. And if u truly feel like that...uh...it might be about that time for a little relationship analysis.

Not spending ANY time with friends- on the flip, spending too much time with your partner can have adverse affects also. What's the saying?? Too much of anything is jus too damn much?! Okay, so that's not the saying, but u get me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. That is a real one :-) And it's usually the truth. Usually. So take time apart sometimes and give yourself a chance to miss one another.

Drunk texting- lol. I use to have this so bad. smh. Even if you're single, this can be annoying cuz who wants to sit up and text u when all your messages look like : Hiii kjj I jfh miss u! Fukkkd up ritee noow heee heee!! no one. But it's even worse if you're partnered and u lose your inhibitions after a few drinks and start sending suggestive (god forbid x-rated) txts to random people. If u know you're gonna throw a few back, hide your phone from yourself. Give it to a trusted friend. Just try to forget about the phone for the night and enjoy yourself...safely.

"See what had happened was..." - uh uh. That line is so played, I can't even remember the last time anyone intelligent actually fell for it. If you have an excuse for something, first, make it a good one, and second, never EVER begin with see what had happened was. Automatically guilty. Even if you're innocent. *shrug*

"Oh I was sleep" - See above. Just as lame of an excuse. It's also the hardest to prove as a lie so it might seem like its a good one to hide behind. But if it's mid day and your partner is trying to reach you and all u have to say...every single time...is that u were sleep...unless your on meds that make u drowsy, u might wanna prep yourself for some shit cuz that excuse gets old, fast. There's not enough sleep in the world.

And the list can go on and on but that's all i got for now!! :-)

What makes a writer a lesbian writer??

2010-10-14T20:04:00.000-07:00

So if you didn't know by now, i'm a writer. I write poetry and fiction dramas. I go to school for it and everything. lol. [not that going to school makes u any better of a writer than a truly gifted one who has never seen the inside of a college classroom. If you're talented, you're talented] Also, if you didn't know, i'm a lesbian. *gasp!* Yeah. I am.

I've been thinking lately about the so-called professional writer's "burden" of representing the various social/cultural/ethnic groups that we might belong to, and i'm a bit confused. So since i'm a lesbian...who writes...will everything i write be considered a "lesbian novel"? Or "queer poetry"? And since i'm black, will everything I write automatically be presented as a black or (dare I say) an "urban" novel?

If so, i'm not sure how I feel about being so heavily boxed in. I love representing my beautiful silky smooth sexy luscious blackness and my uberfemme fierce gayness but when it comes to marketing and book sales, I want to be as accessible as possible...UNLESS i'm writing specifically to a gay or black audience. If I write a book called "How to make a thick caramel femme fall in love with you in 30 days or less" of course I know it will be geared towards lesbians. And that's great. But what if I write a civil war period piece...or a quirky relationship drama that doesnt signify race or sexuality?? How will that be accepted? Jus wondering...

Any published or non-published writers with any input or worries of their own would make me very happy!!! :-)

Can we be friends?? Hell no.

2010-07-24T03:33:00.000-07:00

So as I'm up at some ungodly hour early in the morning thinking about the mess that is my life right now, i'm simultaneously clicking on random Youtube links. I came across a video talkin about past relationships that went sour and how a friendship with the ex didnt work out, for one reason or another. It got me thinkin about what it is that determines whether or not a friendship is possible after a romantic interlude. It has to be some certain component between the two people that's either in full effect, or it's completely non-existent. I think at the least, the formula has to consist of mutual respect, boundaries, understanding and maturity. Beyond that, i havent a clue how to make it work.

Speaking for myself, i'm friends with ONE ex girlfriend and that shit almost didnt happen either. lol. But we worked it out and i love her like a sister now. But everyone else...pssssh. Once the relationship/complicated situation fizzled out, it was a done deal. I'm a firm believer that not everyone is suppose to be in your life forever. A lot of people get caught up in trying to play nice by holding onto exes as friends, but sometimes...it's just not worth the drama.
Here are a few reasons why you should just walk away:

1.If you're still in love with her and there's no sign of her feeling the same way- let it go. It's only gonna break your heart on a daily basis to be around this girl that u want but who is obviously over u and probably close to being on to the next one. Take some time to get over her and get ya mind right, and then maybe a friendship will be possible in the future. Until then, you'll just look like a desperate clingy stalker. *shrug*

2. If you hate her with everything dark and evil inside of you- let it go and get some counseling. Nothing good can come out of hating an ex. Any type of friendship you attempt is probably merely a disguise to easily set it up for u to blackmail/sabotage/get some type of revenge on her for crushing your world. No friendship material found here.

3. You have a new love interest but something about your ex keeps pulling you back...either let the ex go, or let the new chick go. It's probably not safe for u to attempt to keep both. Sometimes the sexual chemistry between two people will never ever ever fade, even when the relationship is dead and gone. Lingering thoughts of great sex will make u temporarily forget why yall broke up in the first place and will eventually get u in trouble if u are always around one another.

4. You don't hate her, you arent in love with her, you dont even necessarily wanna hit, but u just feel some kinda way whenever u look at her- let it go at least until u wash away the residue. Thats all it is. All relationships leave remnants of everything that went bad and good between two people and sometimes it takes a while to thoroughly clean house. Forcing a friendship before the time is right will only lead to frustration and bitterness.

So yeah, sometimes it really is okay to have that one last cry/kiss/hug/argument/sexsession and completely close the chapter on that person. If you arent mutually bringing any positivity, growth or happiness into one anothers lives, then what's the point of salvaging a friendship built on a sinking foundation?

Pushing past the pain...

2010-07-07T23:22:00.000-07:00

So we've all been in fucked up relationships. Most of them start beautifully and end tragically because like the old adage says, all good things come to an end. So-called relationship experts say the best thing to do after a break up is to consolidate your feelings, get closure and start piecing your single life back together bit by bit.

What a crock of shit.

How do you consolidate feelings? I know how to consolidate debt...but feelings/emotions/love/anger/hostility/resentment/hopelessness/etcetera... how the hell do u wrap all of that into a bundle and pay it down until it no longer exists anymore? *shrug*

And what is closure, exactly? Is there really a question that can be answered, an aha moment waiting to happen where all of the atrocicites that happened in the relationship all come together to make perfect sense, leaving you able to walk away from it a better person?? Is that closure? Does anyone really get comfort from figuring out why and how things took that final turn for the worse? Maybe I just don't get it. Then again, I changed my major from Psych to English a long ass time ago because I knew I would make the worst possible relationship therapist ever.

ME as the therapist: Oh you say ya'll havent had sex in 6 months?? Well, if u want my professional opinion, sounds like either one or both of yall is gettin some ass on the side so either confess, knock it off and start banging each other instead, OR get a divorce.

SO yeah...maybe it's just not meant for me to comprehend the rational logistics behind matters of the heart gone bad. When a relationship that means something to me ends, I tend to dissect it to the point of no return and the bare bones that I leave behind never fail to make me completely miserable. Even with consolidated feelings, attempted closure, and stray attempts to move on, it all seems like failure to me because the relationship didnt survive. *sigh*

How do u push past the bullshit, drama and pain? I know its possible to continue living life and eventually find happiness elsewhere...but that can only happen if u figure out your starting point first...

Its not cheaper to keep her

2010-03-26T12:14:00.001-07:00

When I was younger, I struggled with understanding what it meant to "keep" somebody. I heard the phrase used many times. "i dont keep h*es who dont wanna be kept!" and so forth. But what does that mean? Kept as in picking something up and keeping it in your pocket? Kept as in being stingy with it and not sharing with anyone else? Wtf does keeping someone mean? When I thought "kept" i equated that to slavery. lol. *shrug*

Now, as a grown ass woman who has tried her not so good luck at relationships, I fully understand what a "kept woman" is and it is not for me.

If you are with someone who needs to be kept, RUN. The only reason u will ever feel as if you are struggling to keep someone is if they don't really wanna be there anymore. If you have someone who willingly gives all of their heart, soul, attention, affection and most of their time...you arent keeping them, you're enjoying the benefits of being loved. If you have someone who conveniently forgets where home is, dodges spending time with you, opts to spend quality time elsewhere, ignores you, puts you on hold, needs to be chased, or gives excuses as to why they aren't available....you are trying to keep someone who doesnt want to be kept and you're only hurting yourself. You aren't hurting the other person because being "kept" by you while having the space and opportunity to play elsewhere is very much so like having your cake and eating it too. Who doesn't want that if they can get it?

Keeping someone who doesn't want to be kept is a waste of time, energy and emotion. Oprah often quotes Dr. Maya Angelou, "When someone shows u who they are, believe them." I believe this to a certain extent. I do believe in the power of growth and change though, so just because i showed u who i was at one point in my life some years ago, doesnt mean im in the same place now. So allow me to alter that phrase for the sake of this post. When you know you are giving your all and someone shows you that they aren't satisfied/happy/pleased/fulfilled with what you are giving them, believe them. And let them GO. Trying to "keep" someone else will only lead to losing your own damn mind. Not worth it.

THIS is why Studs & Fems can't be friends...

2010-03-23T10:52:00.000-07:00

As usual, I have to state that I do realize there are always exceptions to every rule. Not all people will fall under my sweeping account as to why Stud and Fem friendships = a hot ass mess. But MOST do, and YOU are probably one of the most so get over it. Moving on...

As I thought about a couple of situations that have dramatically unfolded for people I know, I came to the realization that under most circumstances, studs and fems cannot just be friends. UNLESS (pay attention here) the stud and fem are both extremely unattracted to one another. By unattracted I mean, there's something about the fem that turns the stud wayyyy off, and there's something about the stud that the fem can't romantically tolerate. Under these conditions, a healthy and non-romantic friendship may be possible because there's no imminent threat of anything else happening. But when you have an attractive stud and an attractive feminine woman trying to embark on a 100% platonic BFF moment.... no maam. This is why.

There's this thing that I call StemChem. [ Stud + Fem + Chemistry] Follow me here. Studs (if they're worth anything) have this natural need to protect fems. Some even go as far as to cater to fems if it comes naturally, example: opening doors, pulling out chairs, making fems walk on the inside instead of close to the street, being really good listeners/shoulders to cry on, etc. All of this doesn't always necessarily mean that the stud wants to jump the fems bones. She could just be very considerate and charming, which is great. But then, you have us fems. Most of us really really like being treated with that sort of attention and care. Many women are not use to it and when they get a taste of the "treatment", its instant addiction. It's quite easy for fems to get caught up in being treated like a lady cuz um...sorry to say it, most of who we date ain't worth shit on two sticks. So introduce a fem to a GOOD stud who knows how to act and its a wrap. Head in the clouds, butterflies in the stomach, and pussy jumpin-jacks. This will happen EVEN IF THEY ARE CLAIMING TO ONLY BE FRIENDS. And of course the stud starts to feel like she's doin something right, her ego will get stroked and this will only make her step it up even more, which only makes the fem drool even more, which only makes the stud start thinkin hmmmmm, which then makes the fem start thinking hmmmmmm, and once the fem thinks hmmmm it's a done deal people. Cuz if the fem is open, TRUST, the stud will be there to fill whichever wide open spaces that need to be plugged. Smh. It's a fragile and dangerous cycle, this StemChem. And it happens 9 times outta 10. I'm just sayin.

Now, what I will also say is that all of this stud/fem chemistry wont always lead to something. Just because the dynamic is there, doesn't mean both people will always be willing to throw caution to the wind and risk a friendship by taking it to a sexual or emotionally inappropriate level. Either the stud or the fem might have a strong dose of common sense and know when and how to back up before it gets too hot. But it is important that both parties can mutually respect the boundaries if any are set in place. If you have a stud sayin no, but the fem is still tossin ass at her every which way....ummm...it's not gonna work out. And vice versa. If the fem is sayin we need to chill out, and the stud continues in full don juan mode, that friendship is bound for disaster.

Simply put (after allll of that) the sensual dynamic between studs and feminine women is obviously strong and very seductive for those of us who love it. It can sneak up on you and catch you off guard. It can be plotted and schemed into happening. It can never happen at all. But the possibility of it is huge. Knowing yourself and having a firm grasp on what you do or don't want to happen is key when attempting a friendship with someone of the opposite umm... label. lol. Knowing and respecting your boundaries, your limits and your areas of temptation can keep you outta some serious shit if you pay attention and LISTEN. We all have weak spots but we don't have to give in to them. It is a choice, whether you like to accept the personal responsibility or not. It's a hard lesson to learn and you will learn it eventually. Trust me. I know. So be smart and be careful.

And now, as usual after writing such posts, I need a drink :)

Cellphones = DRAMA. Nuff said.

2010-03-15T20:05:00.000-07:00

No one can stay drama free forever. It's virtually impossible unless you live isolated in a igloo somewhere, and even then you'll have drama cuz it's cold as shit and you'll freeze your ass off. But let me tell you this, and i'm gonna try to keep it short and sweet- if you are in a relationship and you don't know how to act, you're cell phone WILL get you in trouble. Let me break down "not knowin how to act":

- if you have a significant other and you feel the need to send 58678394 text messages every day to someone else BESIDES that significant other...you dont know how to act.

-if you have a significant other and you wait for her to leave the house so you can talk to the NEXT chick on the phone...you don't know how to act.

-if you have a significant other and you cant put the damn cell phone down for a day in fear of missing something...you dont know how to act.

- if you have a significant other and you have mini seizures on the inside everytime she touches or even breathes near your phone...you don't know how to act.

-if you have a significant other and your phone is goin off past midnite from females who ARENT family members or who at least arent dying... you don't know how to act.

There are more but i'm tired and this subject has thoroughly frustrated me for the night so im through. Get it together ladies. Most of us are too old for the bullshit and games. Please know that cell phones = drama so if you're triflin, play it safe and do your shit in PERSON. Cuz if u use the cell, you will get caught. Point blank period.

I need a drink.

What makes you a lesbian?

2010-02-17T21:44:00.000-08:00

Please bare with me here as this topic is quite touchy for me and for many others, therefore, if I stay a little too long on my soap box...get over it. It's my blog. K thanx.

Now. lesbehonest (i had to do it. Shout out to Drake) not everything that glitters is gold. We all know this. The same applies to lesbians. Not everything that eats pussy is gay. Allow me to repeat: NOT EVERYTHING THAT STICKS ITS FACE INSIDE OF A VAGINA OR LETS ANOTHER WOMAN STICK HER FACE INSIDE HER VAGINA IS A LESBIAN.

Of course, we have bisexuals. And I mean honest to God bisexuals. They are mentally and physically attracted to both sexes and can be in long term committed relationships with either/or. That is a bisexual. And if that is YOU, good for you, here's your gold star for the month.

But i'm not even dealing with the bi's today. I'm dealing with the women who slip and fall on another woman's strap on Tuesday and wants to call herself a lesbian by Friday. FUCK outta here.

OR...the "straight" women who "catch feelings" for a random ass female once in a blue moon as if "the gay" can be caught and sprinkled by magic leprechauns. Y'all are the worst. The WORST. It's these women who go gay by accident for a quick fix who give REAL lesbians a horrible rep. And yall dumb ass lesbians who fall for them might as well hand over your gay cards cuz you are being P L A Y E D. Smh & *shrug*

So let me ask, what makes you a lesbian?

I know what makes ME a lesbian. I love ALL things woman. I love pussy. Everything about it. I love estrogen. I love female pheromones. I love hot flashes bitch fests tears psychoanalytical bullshit mental instability emotional roller coasters girl-sex strap ons/strap off EVERYTHING. I want to marry a woman. I want to have babies with a woman. I want to spend the rest of my crazy ass life with a woman. I cannot live thrive or survive without the love of a woman. And men could disappear off the continent tomorrow and I wouldn't cry narry a drop. That sounds pretty damn lesbian to me.

Top that.

Valentine's Day sucks for lesbians

2010-02-09T18:46:00.000-08:00

Yes this is true. Valentine's day is what it is. A commercialized capitalistic gold mine for heterosexuals and bisexuals who make sure they're conveniently booed up with men every February 14th. Valentine's day is about all things pink and red and fluffy and furry and chocolatey and glittery and hallmarky and all that other shit. It's the perfect time of year for men to venture out in their King of the Jungle outfits and round up all of the mushy crap they can find to impress their powder puffs back at the house. Key words here are MEN , MUSHY CRAP. Mixing men and mushy crap usually leads to disaster, but they are MEN and we expect that from them. Straight women oooh and ahhh and tear up at the same ole crap they give every yr and say it's the thought that counts and they move on. Another day another dollar.

What does this have to do with lesbians?? Thank you for asking.

Women giving mushy gifts to other women = a dangerous combination. We are good at that shit. (usually. There are exceptions to every rule o_0) We know how to shop and we know what gift is gonna strike what chord deep inside the recesses of your girls complicated ass mind. We put thought, blood, sweat and tears behind any gift we buy and we like to make it MEAN something. It's all about meaning, and perception and feelings. Which is why Valentine's day sucks for lesbians because if you just so happen to NOT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ANYMORE and February 14th rolls around...it makes you wanna hang out around the highest point of the Golden Gate bridge and not for no damn sightseeing. *sigh* It's just rude. Women should not get other women addicted to receiving all the cutesy romantic shit UNLESS they're gonna be there to give it every single year without any hesitation :-(

BLAH.

Taking space in a relationship: worth it or bullsh it ?

2010-01-08T18:13:00.000-08:00

Alrighty now blog-lovelies, so this topic is near and not-so-dear to my heart. I'm sure some of you have wandered upon the dreaded bridge called Taking Space from a relationship. From this bridge of space most couples end up jumping off of it and drowning in the murky waters of hatred and bitterness. But I do know of instances where couples are able to take space and come back reinvigorated, renewed, and ready to give their all to one another again. What defines the difference and how do you know whether or not space is needed between you and yours? Well that's what the hell I wanna know so why r u askin me?? lol. I kid, I kid. Let's figure this out together.

The way I see it, taking space is like coming to a fork in the road where going to the right will eventually lead you to paradise, while turning left will land u in Compton at 2:30 in the morning with $500 in a Louis bag smellin of weed and cheap sex. You get my drift? It all depends on how you and your partner conduct yourselves while on the break. It also depends on communication and RULES. No one likes rules but dammit sometimes they're necessary in order to keep shit in tact. A break is a break. But what does that mean? Is your break one of those breaks where ANYTHING goes? Are both of yall allowed to fuck with other people? Be emotionally involved with other people? Or is it merely time apart to evaluate what the hell is going on and to figure out what u need from each other?

In my honest opinion, I think breaks that end with couples successfully coming back to each other on a positive note start with the rule that engaging in physical or emotional "affairs" with other people is off limits. Obviously the relationship must be important enough to not just 100% end it (hence you're just taking a "break") so why complicate it by getting involved with someone else on the side?? It makes you look like an ass who really just needed space and opportunity to fuck with someone else. In that case, don't call it a break. Be woman enough to call it quits.

I don't know just how well taking space truly works. But I do know that sometimes space is necessary. If you and your sig other argue more than yall have sex....take space. If you can't seem to get over an issue or issues concerning your partner and things have been extra tense for awhile....take space. If you are doubting your feelings for your partner....take space. But please PLEASE know what it means when you opt for taking space over just breaking up entirely. Know that you have left an amount of hope and expectation that the relationship will be picked back up and made a priority once again. Do what you have to do to get yourself in line but remember that one day you will return to that person hoping that they will let you take them off the shelf, dust them off and love them again. No one will wait forever. If you're taking space from someone you don't want to lose forever, you'd be smart if you act like it.

Abusing the space you take looks a lil sumthin like this:
-finding a sex buddy to hold u over until u get back with your partner
-establishing an emotional connection with someone else that is deeper than 100% friendship
-when the space you take can be spoken of in terms of YEARS, you're doing way too much. Just break it off completely.
-running the streets like a college student on spring break at Mardi Gras. Is that what the space was for? I think not

Territorial over shit that aint yours

2009-12-17T18:47:00.000-08:00

Okay soooo let's be 100% blunt here. Women are fuckin nutty buddies. We either cry way too much, or internalize everything beneath a bazillion tons of stone and never cry at all. We rant one moment & wanna cupcake the next. We feel 167% in love on Tuesday and filled with hatred come Saturday. We wanna talk your head off in the morning and give silent treatments in the pm. We can be some straight up fruitcakes. But for those of us women who love/adore/cherish/lust after other women....we can't stay away. Doesn't seem to matter how bright the Out To Lunch sign is, women are addictive. But there are some things we (including myself) have GOT to do better on.

Let's talk about being territorial. *confession moment* I'm goin through a situation where I'm being territorial over someone who isn't mine...for the moment, and I feel authorized to do so because she was mine...for the longest. It sucks ass. I feel like the little kid who attaches himself to his favorite toy inside Toys R Us knowing damn well his mom is cheap as hell and wont be buying it but is STILL emotionally damaged when she yanks the toy out of his hand while he's yelling but its miiiiiiiiiiiineee! *sigh*

Why do we do this? Why is it so hard to just let go and say fine...get the hell on. Holding onto something that isn't yours kinda sounds like a form of robbery. It just sounds so...uggghhh...what's the word I'm looking for here? It feels like a form of cruel and unusual punishment that i'm committing on myself because honestly, if something isn't mine anymore, it takes way more energy to struggle to hold on then it does to wipe your hands clean....

Maybe i'll figure it out one day.

I won an award!! tear

2009-12-16T19:29:00.000-08:00

I do believe this is the very first award my blog has ever won! My blog award cherry has been obliterated. I's grown nah!!! *dancin* =-)

Thank you to RoByn Latice over at Life, Love, Sex & All That Jazz for gifting me! Now as I hear, the rules of this award are that now i gotta list 7 things that i love and pass the award on to the next hot blogger. Let's see if i can make that happen.

Se7en Things i <3

* Ben & Jerry's Half Baked Ice Cream- it's almost orgasmic. The choclatey brownies & cookie dough packed in swirls of vanilla and chocolate ice cream....mmmmmmmmmMMMM!

* Blogging/journaling/fiction & poetry writing- Of course. I'm a writer. It's in my blood.

* Getting my nails done- I'm a girly girl. Sue me.
* Atlanta- Lived there for a few yrs in college and absolutely fell in love with the city. Hope to move back one day.

* Music- My 1st love. My Ipod Touch is my best friend in the entire universe.

* Tattoos- I'm so addicted. I have four and i'm planning about four more. The pain & the pleasure of it all is craaazy.

* Purses- Ok so most women have a shoe fetish. I couldn't give two hells less about some damn shoes. But my purses??? Whew chile. Yes lord. My closet over-runneth.

So that's a few of the things I love. Y'all see I purposely left out how much i love my damn self. I could go on and on about that, so i spared u =-) Merry Christmas!!!

Now let's see who to give this award to...I truly enjoy so many blogs it's gonna be a task and a half to single one out. But ummm i'm gonna go ahead and give this one to my blog buddy over at My Affinity. Go check her out. The writing skills are lovely. Thanks again for the award RoByn!

Once a cheater...never a cheater again??

2009-12-08T19:45:00.000-08:00

So the topic every time I turn my TV on, check twitter or pull up Yahoo is infidelity. Or adultery if you're married. Cheating. The lack of control over your wayward private parts. OR... the lack of control over your emotional connections.

Of course the latest celeb whoremonger is Tiger Woods. *sigh* Who is surprised? Really? Anyone? I'm never surprised when anyone is busted because umm...reality check= people ain't shit. Now I won't make the sweeping generalization that EVERY ONE will cheat in their lifetime. I'm sure their is a small percent of very sheltered human beings who ~~nobody wants anyway~~ will never cheat in any sort of way. Kudos to them.But most people cheat. It's just life. It sucks. But it's the truth. *confession moment here* I have emotionally cheated on someone and I have been physically and emotionally cheated on multiple times. Once you feel the pain of being cheated on, it usually lays the foundation for you eventually becoming a cheater yourself. You honestly just stop caring because no one else cared enough about you to stay faithful so.....

yeah. *ahem* Anywho, enough about me. I would like to carefully breakdown the two types of cheating and see which one my readers feel would hurt the most.

Behind door # 1 we have Physical Cheating: You would think every one would already know what this is, but ohhh you'd be surprised. If you have a girlfriend and you go out one night and lay a kiss on another chick, you have physically stepped outside the confines of your committed relationship. No if's and's or but's about it, so shut up. The person's lips you were sucking on did not belong to your partners, therefore, it's cheating. Now, the questions is, do you run home and tell your girl that you slobbed on someone else?? Is a kiss really that serious? In a perfect world, you wouldn't have done it in the first place. In a semi-perfect world, you would sit your gf down and tell her the deal. If she's not tripped out on some other shit, she's not gonna break up with you over a kiss. Unless you like kissed her sister or her mom or something. Now, if a kiss led to heavy petting, which led to your face (or any other body parts) being buried in between her legs....ummm, you most definitely have cheated to the nth degree and if you're any type of an ADULT, you'll tell your partner. Consequences are inevitable and you made your decision, so you gotta deal with em. My biggest problem with physically stepping out are the possibilities of catching some type of nasty crotch disease because of hoshit activities. Is it really that serious? If your girl isn't doing it for you sexually, try talking to her and workin it out between the two of you instead of cheating and infecting her with herpes. *gag* OR...maybe it's time to just end the relationship. *shrug*

Behind door # 2 is Emotional Cheating: This is where it gets a little sticky. I admit to not being an expert on all of the signs, symptoms and red flags of what constitutes emo cheating. But I do know more than what most people are comfortable learning about because it will probably make them guilty of it. Of course I'm glad to share the information =-) So i'll try to keep it fairly short and simple. If you are in a committed relationship with one person, and you start having your emotional needs met by someone else outside of that relationship (besides a family member) you might be emotionally cheating. Read carefully. Key word here: might. This is why. Everyone needs more than one person to sustain them mentally. You can not have all of your emotional needs met by one single person, no matter how romantic the shit sounds. It doesn't last forever. Trust me, please. It might feel good at first, and it might seem like a feeling you don't ever want to let go of because being the center of someone's everything kinda feels like heaven. But honestly, it's not healthy. When the dream-bubble bursts and you crash and realize that you don't have any one else to talk to...you'll realize how unhealthy it is. So yeah, everyone in a relationship should have friends to talk/vent to and hang out with. That's a great emotional connection to have, and if those friendships are platonic and if your partner feels comfy with them, that is not emotional cheating in the slightest. Sooo what does emotional cheating look like then, Chanel? Im glad you asked. When you start running to one person to tell your personal business to all the time, when you can't talk to your partner but run your mouth with ease to someone else, when you shut yourself off for your partner but seem to emotionally thrive in the presence of someone else, when you have excessive communication with someone else because you just can't seem not to, when you find yourself making excuses to sneak off to talk to/be around another person, when you just can't get that person off of your mind ...... you are emotionally cheating on your partner. That's what it looks and feels like. It can't be sugar coated. Beneath the sugary fluff, you still have a fucked up situation that is usually hell to get yourself out of.

What to do, what to do!??

The title of this post is "once a cheater, never a cheater again" for a reason. I am one of the few who actually believe that a cheater can be rehabilitated and be able to have long term, meaningful and committed relationships. It is not easy. Actually, it's probably the hardest thing you'll do in life because it requires a change in your mentality AND morality first in order to successfully make change in your social conduct. You can not and will not rise above being a physical or emotional cheater without changing the way you think, feel and react to life. Speaking from personal experience, you gotta have a genuine desire to change first and foremost. It's also great if you can grasp a hold of a good reason to change . Yeah, yeah, the change is ultimately for yourself, bit it does help if you find someone or something that makes sticking to such a task a little bit easier. Once you have the desire, the reason, and the will to do it....anything is quite possible. Like one of my best friends is known to say, "you gotta fake it til you make it." Acting like you have some type of a clue is the best way to eventually end up having that clue. It's not easy to just let go of something you've done for so long. But if you just DO it, force yourself to do it, keep reminding yourself WHY you're doing it, it will become a natural part of yourself. It wont feel natural at first because..well...its not. But once you realize that you are worth having a strong set of morals, and that your partner is truly worth having someone who is committed and 100% there...it starts to feel pretty damn good. Once you see how much control you can exert over what you do and how you do it, it will become the best choice you have ever made in life.

We all have the power to decide how we are going to live our lives. We only have one life to live. Youth is fleeting and we only have so much time to get it right, so if you don't mold yourself into the best possible person you can be before it's too late.... what else are you living for??

Remember if you stay a cheater, you'll leave people feeling like THIS!

Can we skip Christmas 09??

2009-12-02T19:58:00.000-08:00

I typically love holiday season. I don't really do all the decorating and cooking [i leave that to the Betty Crocker's and Martha Stewart's in my life] but i do like taking in all the decorative sights, smelling the holiday food, and just overall enjoying the warm & festive vibes that are so prevalent during this time. This year = no bueno. I'm going through so much emotionally and mentally, I don't have any room left in my spirit and in my mind to allow the happiness of the season to sink in. I feel very empty right now and it sucks so bad. I see people goin around, excited to do their xmas shopping, making plans to be with family and friends and i'm like....*sigh* I don't really have much to look forward to this Christmas. It doesn't feel very good. =(

Gay & In Denial = FAIL

2009-11-14T10:21:00.000-08:00

Allow me to preface this post with a disclaimer: I love feedback. Everyone has opinions and I honestly love hearing them. I believe in the power of controversy to stir up brilliant dialogue on social issues. I fully understand and respect that my views on these issues are not shared by everyone, thus I welcome intelligent debate and discussion. [pay close attention here] But if you reply with even a hint of ignorance or homophobia, I will not publish your comment in my comments section. I will, however, copy and paste your comment into the body of my post, put you on blast, proceed to burst your bubble and carry on with life as planned. If it's worth it to you, please try me. That is all.
************************************************************************************

Now onto the reason why i'm blogging in the AM on a Saturday. Donnie McClurkin.

o_O

"How YOU doin?"

McClurkin has given me the absolute unabashed 100% MOST this morning. A few days ago a Youtube "sermon" of his spread like syphilis. Or at least it was highly contagious on MY Twitter timeline. This could possibly be because I follow just about every gay in the Twitter universe *shrug*. But yes, every other tweet was about this video of Donnie going on about how the comunity is failing the kids because they are all being lost to homosexuality, God didn't create us for such perversion, had it not been for the Lord he would still be in the life, etc.

*sigh*

Okay. My first problem with the video was not the content. I'm a born & raised church baby from wayyy back. Im use to the whole homosexuality=sin argument. So over it. My main issue with Donnie is the dramatics of it all. Ohhh McClurkin worked it. Every single minute of that monologue was pulled from the depths of his twinkerbell soul. The 1st 5 mins of the vid are of him sighin and cryin into the mic like a wayward orphan. He laid it on so thick had I been there that Sunday, I woulda had to put up that church finger and excuse myself with a quickness before i started cackling. Donnie's Oscar nomination game is PROPER. He is the Denzel Washington of the gospel world. He pleaded, and begged, and boo hooed and Keith Sweated (whined) with the best of em all while puttin people on blast and shrinking the self-worth of an entire category of society down to nada. In the name of Jesus Christ his Lord and Savior.

*pause*

There have already been dozens of brilliant blog posts on how far gone into denial Donnie McClurkin is about his sexuality. He likes to believe that he's an "ex gay." I don't believe there's a such thing as "ex gay" (especially when u make comments like "I don't eat sugar, but that doesn't mean I don't want sugar."- Donnie. ) So I consider him to be re-closeted. He has chosen to pick back up the burden of shame, guilt and self-hatred that comes along with being a closeted gay. I do not sympathize or empathize with him in the slightest. It's his life, he's a grown man and has to live with his decisions until the day he dies. I just know that living a lie is the most detrimental and painful form of suicide that a person can take part in. Who really needs the prayer here?

So that's that. Onto another member of the gospel community who has gotten press off the subject of homosexuality: Tonex. (The person Donnie calls out during his rousing monologue) I confess to not being able to name a single Tonex song. I've heard of him. I know he's a big deal in the gospel world and i've seen him on the gospel award shows. But I never paid him much attention until i saw his interview with Lexi on YouTube. I didn't even know that he publicly came out of the closet like that in Sepetember of this year. Within nine minutes, I gained more respect for Tonex than I ever had for Donnie McClurkin throughout his entire career. The following paraphrased excerpt is from the interview:

"Yes, I was molested as a young child. My mind was exposed to sexual situations way too early. It could have laid the foundation or planted a seed, but I take full ownership of my sexual exploration... People like to blame molestation for their sexuality. No. Just be honest and say that you're attracted to men. Homosexuality is not a struggle."

*claps & whistles*

You just don't know much it warmed my heart to hear someone separate rape and molestation from being gay. Read this twice: NOT ALL GAY PEOPLE WERE VICTIMIZED AS CHILDREN. Yes, many were. As were many heterosexual people. How do you explain their subsequent straightness? I was never molested as a child. I'm gayer than gay. Therefore, molestation and sexual orientation do not have a cause and effect relationship. Why do people try to force it?

In essence, Tonex was man enough to say- Stop the BS. If you're a man who likes men, be that. If you're a chick who digs chicks, do you. Don't make any excuses to appease those around you or to pacify yourself. Live your life, find a sense of security within yourself, and everything else will fall in line.
Kudos to him for that message. As for Donnie McClurkin, chile boo. Go sit yourself in the corner and re-evaluate your inner being before casting judgment on others. In the classic words of @LuvvieIg (follow her on Twitter, follow me @ChanelSaysSo) - "It's like the pot callin the kettle Ne-Yo"

Turn & Breathe

2009-10-09T20:41:00.000-07:00

The room is opaque. It’s considerably dark outside, interrupted by stars, streetlights and the occasional headlights of a determined car. But in the confines of this room, it is shoe polish-midnight-pitch black. I could be in a coffin right now and not be shocked. But I know I’m not dead. Yet.

The only submission the darkness gives to light comes from a cell phone propped on top of the nightstand. Every five seconds a tiny beam of electric blue light pulsates from the corner of the device, signaling that someone somewhere is thinking about the owner of that phone and wants to make sure it’s known. At 1:29 in the morning.

I wish the battery of that phone a very succinct and tragic life.

Somewhere way on the other side of the cave someone else moves and makes a confused, mildly sexual noise in their sleep. It probably wasn’t really sexual at all. I don’t know. I’m hearing everything wrong these days.

I close my eyes and find more light behind my thin lids than in the room. I try to find comfort there also, within my own skin. Hoping for a healthy dose of peace and reassurance. Or the good ability to fall asleep would be nice to locate too.

No such luck.

I twirl my eyeballs around in their sockets; eyelids still serving as protective barriers between myself, and whatever it is taking up space in this cocoon with me. Can I even still say with me? Who knows? Maybe I shouldn’t.

My right eye opens, completely against my will, trying to process something in the midst of all the black. Shadows curl along every angle that my eye takes in. Thick swirls of obsidian fill every crack beneath doors, and barricades the small window that seems miles away from where I lay beneath cold black sheets. Yeah, I’m in total darkness. Except for that damn blinkety blink cell phone.

The other person moves again and my eye snaps shut. I clench my right hand, enjoying the feeling of my nails digging into my fleshy palm. My left hand strokes a small corner of the sheet, twisting it into a tight strand of angry Egyptian cotton. My left foot lightly bounces against the mattress. I think about peering under the covers to watch it go, but it’s too dark. My other foot is the one I want to hack off. Preferably before it painfully betrays me. Which means I need to do it like now. That damn foot! It’s as if something on the other end of the tunnel possesses a magnetic quality, and of course my foot is made of lead.

I feel it slowly creep over towards the dark side. Inching across the span of space between us that seems to double with every passing night. I squeeze my eyes shut so tight I feel tiny hairs pop from their follicles along my temples. A part of me yearns for that warmth on the other side. Here in my slice of the pie, it’s drafty. Icy. Anemic. Uncomfortable. Over there…where I once ran for comfort, I always found warmth. But lately it feels like the cold has seeped in everywhere. Even over there. Maybe that’s what my wayward foot calls itself doing. Testing the temperature over there to see if conditions have changed. I could’ve given it the answer. But then again, I don’t seem to be right about much these days.

My skin feels like someone is hovering over me, having lots of fun pricking me with a fire-singed needle. I’m stinging all over, from head to toe. Except for this right foot, dammit. It feels nothing but a slight change in climate as it nears its destination. My breath and an obscenely large lump are caught in my throat and I want to swallow around it, but bitterness never did taste very good.

Bitterness. Anger. Hurt. Pain. Betrayal. Resentment. Lies. Hopeless. Helpless. Scream. Please. Screw me. Over. Help me. Hold me. Leave me. Alone. Forget me. You already have…

Darkness.

My right foot stumbles on its journey. I feel it freeze over and retract, rejoining the whole of its part. The stinging decreases, leaving numbness in its wake. My heart rate slows. I unclench my hands and redirect the tension to my lips, pursing them tightly. I still can’t swallow. My eyes open and I stare up at what would be the ceiling if I could see it. That irksome throb is creeping up behind my eyeballs and I blink rapidly. I’m semi-successful at stopping the flow of recycled and irrelevant tears. Three particularly strong-willed drops escape from my eyes and slide down my temples, disappearing into my unruly hair.

She stirs next to me, disturbing the panicked silence I have created for myself. Maybe I woke her with my unfortunate effort at line crossing. But she shows no further signs of life. I shake my head and close my eyes again. Protective barriers set firmly in place.

If I had it my way, I would fall asleep now, just like that. No questions asked, no life choices pondered. But of course, I haven’t been getting my way lately.

So, I just turn over, swallow that lump, and remember to breathe.

Allow me to make this proclamation

2009-09-29T14:36:00.000-07:00

Being in love with someone of the same sex is in no shape or form easier than being in love with someone of the opposite sex. I make this claim for a few reasons, one being that my opinion was asked on what I think of the nature of female drama. Is it always like this? I believe was the question. And to that I yelled an emphatic YESSSSSSSSSSS. Drama is as drama does and drama does not get any nicer or sugary sweet simply because of the anatomy between the legs of your partner. In reality, drama tends to be sharpened to that of an ice pick when it comes to women. It's nothing pretty.

But of course, as not to scare away any newbies in the atmosphere, I must back this caution up by saying that although the drama is indeed a particularly sour taste upon the lesbian palate, the good times, the smiles, laughter and pleasure to be experienced when love is in the air between two women...is a thing unparalleled.

And that's all I have to say about the upside of things seeing as how my love life is fantastically shitty these days.

I'm done.

HAVE YOU SEEN MITRICE RICHARDSON?

2009-09-26T00:07:00.000-07:00

UPDATE (8/15/2010): The remains of Mitrice were found in Malibu over the weekend. This makes me so sad and incredibly upset. I dont even know what to say about this right now :-(

I hate for my first entry in 84757 years to be about something so unbelievably sad but I feel like I have to post about this. Maybe some of you have heard about the case, and it might be new news for others. Either way, we all need to pray and send out positive vibes for this woman and her family. This has been on my mind all day and I can't shake it. I just came from Monie's blog and she has a great post about it. We all need to do our part to broadcast this and hope for her safe return. Quite often when black women go missing, the world shrugs and turns its back. With this woman being young, black, and from the looks of it, a lesbian (or bi) she has a lot of things working against her as far of gaining the media attention and support from the police. It makes me angry and very sad. I just hope she's okay....

The following is from CBS.com. Feel free to re-post.

MALIBU, Calif. (CBS) A woman who was arrested at a Malibu, Calif. restaurant went missing after she was released hours later from a sheriff's station, the Los Angeles Times reported.

Mitrice Richardson, 24, was reportedly intoxicated and unable to pay her $89 bill at Geoffrey's restaurant on Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu about 10 p.m. Thursday, Sept. 17, the newspaper reported.

Deputies arrested Richardson at the Malibu-Lost Hills station, where they booked her on suspicion of not paying for the meal and possession of less than an ounce of marijuana, sheriff's spokesman Steve Whitmore told the Los Angeles Times.

She was released about 1:25 a.m. the next day, he said.

"She exhibited no signs of mental illness or intoxication," said Whitmore, explaining why she was released. "She was fine. She's an adult."

According to her mother, Latice Sutton, a manager she spoke to at Geoffrey's said Richardson appeared to be in "no condition to drive."

Sutton told the newspaper that she called the Malibu-Lost Hills station to ask about posting bail and picking up her daughter, but deputies told her they had released her because they did not have room to keep her in jail.

The sheriff's station is unfamiliar to the woman, her family said. It is not served by buses at night, and family members said they have not seen or heard from Richardson since Wednesday.

"They allowed her to walk out of that facility and down that road in the pitch black night," Richardson's father, Michael, told the Times. "That's not right. Now, I just want to find my child."

The woman's mother said deputies told her nearby residents had called to say a woman was sleeping on porches, indicating to her that Richardson was stumbling around a nearby residential neighborhood early Friday, the Times reported.

Responding to criticism from Richardson's family, the Sheriff's Department defended her release in a statement made by Whitmore. He said the department has a series of checks that are done before anybody is released and that those checks were done, again noting she was neither intoxicated nor mentally impaired.

Whitmore also said Richardson was made an offer to stay in the jail but she refused.

Richardson is a graduate of Cal State Fullerton and recently moved to Los Angeles to live with her grandmother near the area where she planned on teaching.

She last made contact with her family at her home in the Southeast area of Los Angeles on Wednesday, police said.

Richardson is African-American, 5-foot-5-inches and approximately 135 pounds. She has brown, curly hair and hazel eyes, and was last seen wearing a dark shirt and blue jeans, police said. According to a flyer made by her family, Richardson has tattoos on her lower abdomen and behind her neck.

Police asked anyone with information on her whereabouts to call the LAPD's Missing Persons Unit at (213) 485-5381, or 1-877-LAPD-24-7 after business hours or on weekends.

Newly outed gay celebrity in DEEP denial

2009-08-20T18:12:00.000-07:00

Okay so y'all know Tyler Perry and all of the Madea plays/movies right? Only about the funniest ish on dvd nowadays. My girl and I have every single play and we watch them & cackle as if it's our first (or 50th) time seeing the trickery unfold. Well two of my favorite Tyler Perry plays are Madea's Family Reunion and Meet The Browns. All of the cast members seem to have amazing vocal talent, but one guy always stood out to me in these 2 plays:
Terrell Carter

He just always had that extra ummph in his voice. His vocal runs are ridiculous and i love the heavy sultriness of it. And it doesn't hurt that he has a really nice body and cleans up rather well. So yeah. There's a lil bit of chocolate goodness goin on there & plenty of straight & iffy women were on that. Today their dreams will be shattered & bubbles will be stomped on as I came across these pics.

Yeah so i guess my gaydar has been shot and buried cuz i didnt see this one coming at all. When i saw these pics i *gasped* and refreshed the page about 3 times just to make sure I was seeing correctly. Mr. Carter is gay as apple pie. Okay no biggie. So am I. Everyone should move on and let the man get on with his career, nice & comfie in his own skin...right? Wrong. I don't know if it was because of how he was outed (a vindictive ex-boyfriend released the above photos) or because he has publicly denied the rumors time & time again, but Terrell is still callin bullshit on the gay issue. I have one thing to say - BULL SHIT. Come on now Mistah Carter. I know it feels like your world is crashing down because your latin jumpoff released the tell-all pix as you were in the middle of touring in your gospel play that tackles such "sinful" issues, but really? You're still denying that you are gay? Really? lmao. Just stop it. We know. I guess some people have been knowing. Hell maybe I was the only slowbie who didn't know jack doo doo squat, but the cat's outta the bag now! Unless you r telling me you were kidnapped and forced to look so seductively comfortable in the arms of papi up there and sportin those "Spectacular-esque" red panties on the beach.... you are GAY & should feel like a weight has been lifted off of your muscular shoulders.

I'm sure Tyler will still use him in a play erry now & then. And he'll fit in just fine with all of the other gays in Hollywood, in or out the closet. Yes, the black community still has strong reservations about the lgbt community claiming to be religious/spiritual, but they need to wake the hell up too because if any one thinks that more than a handful of churches would still be in existence without the talented gays directing choirs, playin the organ, beatin the drums, AND preaching the Word....chile please. Church wold be about as dry as Diddy's bottom lip. I'm jus sayin.

I do not condone randomly outing people. It's rude, vindictive and this situation reeks of a broken hearted guy gone psycho lookin for some payback. I do believe he has found it. Ohhh but karma is a the B I T C H of all bitches...

Now, for a little bit of Terrell's vocal skill AND hear his proclamation of how he never would have made it through this turbulent gay outing had it not been for GOD....

There is an I in WE.

2009-08-11T09:52:00.000-07:00

"Love is as much of an object as an obsession. Everybody wants it, everybody seeks it, but few ever achieve it. Those who do will cherish it, be lost in it, and among all, never... never forget it." -Curtis Judalet

Being in love is a beautiful, unparalleled circumstance. I believe love truly does make the world go around. Without it, we would all be cold-hearted, bitter, resentful, selfish people with nothing to gain and everything to lose. Falling in love is the easy part that us writers drop line after line about. But maintaining a healthy, balanced and delicate relationship is the part that makes many of us wanna jump off bridges. [not really, but im jus sayin]

I think one of the hardest things to do in a relationship is to solidly unite with your partner while also staying unique and true to one's self. Alot of people struggle with falling into their partners shadow, for one reason or another. I've never personally had that problem and with my personality, I don't even think it's possible. But I've definitely been witness to how painful and difficult it is to overcome. Speaking from experience, i've never intentionally tried to shove someone I was with under the bus so i could thrive, sparkle & shine all by my lonesome. lol. That's just rude. I would rather the both of us have the ability to stand out and be the best at whatever it is we individually (or jointly) do. But sometimes, it doesn't happen and someone ends up losing themselves in the relationship.

What happens then?

I think it's important for individuals to have a firm grasp on who they are, what they believe in, and what they love about themselves before getting involved with someone. It's absolutely necessary. Without that firm anchor, you're liable to drown. When you're in a relationship, it's easy to get wrapped up in eachother's everything. I mean, you spend hour after hour with that person, you do everything together, you wanna make that person happy, you don't like being alone, etc. But after awhile, it's also easy for a part of you to become mal-nourished. Your self-identity.

I'm not really sure how to keep this from happening, or how to make things better once it has already happened. But I know it's a problem that can lead to unhappiness, unbalance and discord. Anyone have any insight on it?

Unveiling my new online magazine for women writers!!

2009-07-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

Everybody do the happy dance with me!

What are we dancing about you ask?? Hmmph. Well if you were FOLLOWING me on twitter, u would already know! lol. I unveiled my latest (of 299834) projects today & im very excited about it. So if you're 1) a woman and 2) a writer, then you would most definitely want to go check out

Sepia Magazine- an online mag for Women of Color writers, poets & artists of all forms!

And please don't hesitate to comment, subscribe and pass the word around!

Oh how I admire Rachel Maddow

2009-07-22T09:34:00.000-07:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

She basically told Pat Buchanan to get off of his racist bullshit.

I'm baaaack!

2009-07-13T09:55:00.000-07:00

Happy Monday my lovelies!! I've been MIA for my b-day weekend which was beautiful thanks to tloml (the love of my lyfe for yall who arent in the know). I re-capped the entire wkend over at my other spot if u wanna check it out.

Now onto some gay stuff. I have been slacking/procrastinating the past week or two about posting regularly here due to a bit of an uprising of school work, work work, & personal stuff. But I think im a little more sane now so I can remove myself from time out.

I've been pondering over how to approach the topic of my relationship and how it has lasted so long (it was a suggested topic). I dnt wanna bore my readers with a drawn out story of how we met and so forth, so i think I found a way to break it all down into mini posts & still be relevant. Hopefully y'all will enjoy it! Check back soon for the 1st post.

Guess what today is??!

2009-07-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

MY BIRTHDAY BITCHES!!!!! Wooooooooooooooo!!!

I've now been alive 26 years and can't believe it. Where the hell has time run off to? *sigh* Oh well. My gf told me to say i'm twenty-sexy =-) Me likes that. Anywho, i'll be outta commission here until monday cuz she has plans for me all wkend long...me likes that too ;-) Enjoy your weekend everyone!

Sex & stuff

2009-07-06T08:55:00.000-07:00

Happy Monday! I dont say that often so enjoy it!! I've been awfully quiet lately, had way too much stuff on my mind and couldnt quite steady myself enough to post. But, i'm back and i'd like to talk about sex. Big shock there.

I just read a post that left me a little confused. A guy wrote about a sexual encounter he had with a young lady that left him utterly disgusted yet unbelievably turned on at the same time. *blank stare* I don't quite understand that. Maybe it's just me but if i'm disgusted by someone or something, I don't think I can have sex at that moment. He went on to discuss how she wasnt necessarily a disgusting person, but the things she was doing to him made him loathe her and look at her like a nasty trollop...but he couldn't stop. *another blank stare* Is this normal? lol. Like how on one hand are you thinking "This nasty dirty bitch! Look at her takin it in like a whore, she makes me sick!" But you keep goin at it??? Um. No.

I jus found this to be a little wierd. Maybe its just me...

Presenting San Francisco Gay Pride 2009!!

2009-06-29T12:19:00.000-07:00

Ahh...San Francisco. lol. I saw more balls and ass hair yesterday than I have in my entire life. Ew. Solange rocked it out at the main stage. There were soooo many freakin people out there and if one more person tried to squeeze past me in that tight little space, I woulda caught a case.

More Solo in her gay-friendly rainbow cat suit. Loved it. She was dancin in the crowd and the excited girl behind her is my friends daughter. She was shell-shocked like "she touched me she touched me!!".

Floats & such. I told my gf I wanna march in the parade next yr. I think she thought I was playin. lol. I'm not.

Flag flyin high. But rainbow flags on lightposts aren't uncommon in SF. That's why i love the city.

Friends, fun and pride. Good combo! I was hungover like crazy. Not a good look at all.

My beautiful girlfriend. I LOVE this picture! She jus got leid ;-)

Although my club experience on sat nite sucked (I got way too drunk and my face wound up in the toilet. Yes they took a pic and no i wont be sharing it), Sunday was pretty good. It was a beautiful day! How was everyone else's pride??

Let me introduce you to the Cheater...

2009-06-23T08:56:00.000-07:00

Okay so I'm really not sure what the hell i'm doing this for because I'm already potentially in a shitload of trouble. Nothing has hit the fan yet, but after this, who knows? But I found it a little too hard to turn down this request made by such a pretty little thing...obviously. That's how I continue to get myself caught up.

So anyway, let me explain myself. I have a girl friend. We've been together for a long ass time. The longest relationship i've ever been in. I love her. And I'm in love with her. No matter what any of you think about me and my situation, no one can tell me that i'm not in love with her because you don't know me. So spare me your judgment. Like I said, I have a girl friend whom I love very much.

And then there's my sideline attraction.

Yeah I have a jump off and no i'm not ashamed. I'm not in love with her at all. I'm more so infatuated with certain parts of her. lol. Y'all get wut i'm sayin. No, my girl doesn't know about her. Fuck no. She would kill me, leave my ass high & dry and never look back. She dont play that shit. A part of me wants to tell her because I would like to explain it how I see it. I really dont want her to find out on her own cuz it'll just be all bad, trust me. So I kinda wish I could sit her down and tell her that this chick is not a threat to her. I fuck her. I deal with her only when I need to get some bullshit off my chest that I dont want to bring home to wifey because I dont wanna put the stress on her. I cant help the physical attraction. I mean shit, I still have eyes. Even though I'm wifed up, my pussy isn't prejudice. It's partial to anything fine as hell with ass and titties. Im human, sue me. But my HEART belongs to one woman and that is my girl friend. I wish she would understand that. But due to her and everyone else bein hung up on all things sexual, i know she wont understand at all...

Sometimes I think im a fucked up individual for it. Because i know my girl thinks im faithful, and I know she's faithful to me. Thinking about how much this would hurt her fucks me all up and I feel like shit. But I gotta be real with myself. I dont know how to stop. Hell I dont even know if its nautral for someone to only have sex with one person for the rest of their lives. Shit dont sound right to me. But u know what, if I had to make a choice between my girl and some random pussy, i'd choose my girl all day and all night. Maybe thats why I havent said anything to her yet. Cuz it scares me. Its like bein stuck between a rock and a hard place. I love my girl and I know shes the last relationship I ever want to be in. But I need sex from someone else occasionally. I cant have my cake and eat it too?? I mean, damn I have friends who are literally carryin on two and three RELATIONSHIPS with other women! All tornup inside and what not. Now thats some shit. Im not even tryin to get all deep like that though. This is strictly physical. That is a little bit better. Right?
I dont know. One day I promise i'll stop the games and just do what I gotta do. But until then...my phone is ringing and I got business to take care of.

This is the final piece of my 3 pt Harsh Reality series. This is not a letter from myself or my girl friend. It's fiction people! lol. Meant to make us think a little harder about our actions and the situations we get ourselves involved in. Take a glimpse into the minds of the The Cheater, The Girlfriend and The Other Woman.

Let me introduce you to The Girl Friend

2009-06-15T10:56:00.000-07:00

My name is _______ and i'm wifey. My girl and I have been together for a little over three years now and I love her to death. At first when I was asked to participate in this I wasn't too sure how well it would go over because she's a private person and would prefer for our home life to stay between us, but what the hell. There's nothing wrong with expressing and discussing our love for each other, right?

Like I said, we've been together for a good little minute. So far things are cool. I mean it's been like any other relationship. Ups and downs, times where i'm floatin on cloud 9 and moments where I wanna strangle her. lol. u know, typical stuff. I feel like i've lucked out on a good one though. I've been there done that with other females who were seriously on that bullshit and I told my girl from jump that i'm done with the unnecessary drama. Don't have any time for games any more. She said she was on the same vibe. We've done a fairly good job at bypassing all the craziness, I must say. But lately I have had a few reasons to pause. Haven't said anything to her about it yet because knowing me, it could just be nothin...I dont know. I just kinda feel strange. Like maybe she's pulling away from me. We've gone thru this before, where she or I have something on our minds and we kinda shut down for a day or so. It was nothing to worry about really. But this just feels different. You know when there's just something lingering in the air, like a cross between unspoken tension and extreme awkwardness. Even the silence has been wierd. I feel like she's going through something, or like something is heavily on her mind, but she hasn't come to me about it. I'm not use to that. Im always here for her and she has always been able to come talk to me. So this silent treatment is trippin me out. I just can't really put my finger on it but something is wrong with her.

If there's one thing I hate, she knows I can't stand playing guessing games. Trying to figure out what I could've possibly done wrong or trying to pull info out of her. I'm not her mother and she's not a child. I'm not gonna sit here and force her to talk to me, i'm just sayin. It would be nice if she would. Because I really don't like this feeling. Yeah yeah I know I worry about shit at the drop of a dime even if it's not that big of a deal. But you know. I just wanna make sure nothin is wrong with my baby. Is that a bad thing? I was just talkin to one of my girls and she doesn't think I have anything to trip off of because we're so solid. It's not like she's cheating on me or anything. lol. I agree with her. I really don't wanna make this out to be about anything bigger than what it needs to be. Maybe I shouldn't even say anything....

This is part 2 of my 3 part Harsh Reality series meant to make us think a little bit deeper about the predicaments we put ourselves in. Stay tuned for the next installment, Harsh Reality Pt 3- The Cheater. Feel free to let me know what u think about this piece....

If you haven't done so already, click here to check out Pt 1 The Other Woman

Let me introduce you to the Other Woman

2009-06-11T12:11:00.000-07:00

My name is ______ but for today's purposes you can call me the Other Woman. Don't try to call me out in public though because trust, i'll flash on you. You don't know me like that, so don't try me. Anyway, I've been asked to give you a run down of what i'm all about. It's an odd request, but hey. No one knows me or my situation like I do so I think I got this.

My first point I need to make is that as the Other Woman, I've mastered the art of not giving a fuck. I don't care about what anyone else has to say, feel or think about what I do. When you're in the position i'm in, you really dont have any room for sensitivity, or even much sensibility if you think about it. I saw what I wanted, and I went for it. Didn't matter what the situation was on her end. I knew I wanted her on my team. So I recruited her. She obliged, so obviously things weren't so great on her end anyway...

We as women have been trained to take no for an answer and to stay in our lane and do as we're told. I say bullshit on that. Despite someone appearing to be off limits, if I think she'll look better on my arm and in between my sheets, i'm going for it. Why not? I can smell unhappiness a mile away. Why would someone wanna stay in an unhappy situation? My thing is I know how to put a smile on someone's face in more ways than one. I do for a woman what their girlfriend at home won't or can't do. And I do it well. If wifey was up on her game, maybe there wouldn't be any room for me. Or maybe their would...

Because you see, all too often people like to put the blame on the one being wronged. Oh she must not have been satisfying her girl. She must have been a bitch to be around. The relationship was already over anyway. Etcetera. But that's not always the case and don't let anyone trick you into believing that the only time you can get your woman snatched away from you is if y'all are fallin apart at the seams. No ma'am. Sometimes the grass just looks greener over here in my part of town. Doesn't mean you're necessarily doing everything wrong. It just means i'm doing at least one thing in particular very right.

Another important piece of information you might need to know is that as the Other Woman, it is not my job to feel bad for the girl friend. So please, ladies, don't come to me crying and begging for your girl friend back, cursing me out and asking me how could I possibly do this to another woman. lol. Maybe because it's been done to me. Because I don't know you from a can of dusty ass paint and even if I do,like I said before i've trained myself to not give a fuck. Your tears mean nothing to me as long as your girl is happy with me and is keeping me how I need to be kept. So spare me.

My last insightful tidbit into my world is that as the Other Woman, i'm virtually free of any obligations. This is helpful for the woman i'm cheating with and for the girl friend at home. If i'm rubbed the wrong way, I can and will make life worse than living hell for everyone involved. I know the range of my power and i'm not afraid of it. Which leads me to ask this question. Knowing just how much trouble I can and will cause if i'm pushed to that limit & not given all that I require, am i really that worth it??? Hmm.

I must be cuz y'all mufuckas keep fallin for me time & time again...

This is part 1 of my 3 part Harsh Reality series meant to make us think a little bit deeper about the predicaments we put ourselves in. Stay tuned for the next installment, Harsh Reality Pt 2- The Girl Friend. Feel free to let me know what u think about this piece....

"Being gay is a gift from God"

2009-06-11T09:14:00.000-07:00

That's what the good reverend Ed Bacon said yesterday on Oprah's show, Spirituality 101. Oprah and I were both in awe like whaaaaaat? Did a clergymember really just say being gay is a gift from God? Is this a joke? Is it opposite day or sumthin? Like we were really stuck for a second. [O and I :-) ] He didn't really flesh that statement out much besides saying that being born who you are is never a mistake, but he was adamant when he said it and everyone else on the panel agreed with him. Of course my mind began to unpack that bold statement to see what kind of back up he could have possibly used to support his liberating view.

Being gay is a gift from God because:

It's a natural form of population control. Two women and two men can not reproduce without any outside help. (duh) Surrogacy or surgical procedures can allow same-sex couples to experience parenthood, but for those who may not have the finances to do so, adoption is usally a go-to method. Adopting children does not add to the already ridiculous population rate, it allows a child the chance to be raised in a stable, loving environment with parents who love them. Sounds like a miracle to me.
It gives everyone the chance to figure out what truly makes them happy as a person. Everything is not for everyone. Just because Sally likes Dick doesn't mean Emily will like him too. Maybe Emily is more enticed, refreshed and loved by Steffany. Whatever works for you to make your life the best it can possibly be.
God doesn't make mistakes. He made each and every one of us and i'm a firm believer that we are born ASEXUAL with no tendencies towards either sex because we're compeletely innocent & void of sexuality. But when we get a little older (for some its as young as 5, for others its as old as 65.) and start experiencing the world and seeing what we like and dislike, I think our sexual orientation is a natural disposition that God instills in us and sits back to wait for us to find it, figure it out & grow comfortable with it.
Gay people are fabulous. We really are some of the most creative, talented, inventive, off the cusp, quirky, detail-oriented, skilled, opinionated, passionate people on earth. I love us.

So yeah. I can see how being gay is most definitely a gift from God. Hearing this made my day yesterday & I hope others jump on this bandwagon because its definitely long overdue.

Getting back to a happy place

2009-06-10T09:00:00.001-07:00

I haven't really been inspired to post this week for various reasons. I'm not going thru writers block at all. Quite the opposite. I have lots on my mind that I could write about, but it all feels too personal to me. I know this is my blog and I can steer it any way I see fit, but I didn't necessarily want this spot to turn into my private lesbian soap box, you know? So I think i've come up with a safe post for the day that can incorporate some relevancy for me and possibly something my readers can relate to.

Happy places

I believe our lives are filled with many different facets of function that need attention, TLC & support. Typical categories are career/school goals, intimate relationships, friends & family relationships, and extracurricular activities/hobbies. Sometimes, I am blessed to have a happy balance between all aspects of my life. I live & breathe for those moments. Its a beatiful thing to have a stable job I enjoy, ace all of my classes, have great conections with friends & fam, enjoy abundant writing sessions, all while floating on cloud 69 with my gf.

And then I wake up.

Unfortunately that type of harmony doesn't last very long, at least not in Chanel's world. Most times I can manage a little healthy discord. Give me a B on an assignment and I use it as motivation to bust my ass a little harder. If I have a bad case of writer's block, it usually means I'm overthinking stuff and just need to give myself a break. If my gf & I get into it about something retarded, sometimes it means we just feel like picking on each other, or it's a sign of something deeper we need to fix. Thats all fine & dandy occasionally. But when it starts feeling like the air I breathe is filled with negativity, doubt, hesitancy, frustration, anger, disregard & paranoia...it's time to take a serious timeout.

No one is happy all of the time. It's impossible unless you're on some type of illegal pyschadelic mushroom. So i'm not expecting that. But I do expect to be able to stay on track towards a safe happy place more often than not.

So what to do what to do?? Can you force yourself into a happy place? Or do I have to just sit and wait for it?

Bigger & Better

2009-06-08T09:56:00.000-07:00

Good morning & happy Monday! Inspite of it being Monday, it is a beyoutiful day out here in Cali and i'm in a refreshingly good mood. If I can make this last thruout the week i'll be good to go!

So I've been thinking about this blog, and my writing interests and where I wanna go from here. The Rainbow Room has truly turned into something I thoroughly enjoy keeping up and I love the fact that I learn so much by expressing my thoughts and soaking in all of the responses. I brought it up to my gf that since I already own a domain name (blurbsandverbs.com) but haven't done anything with it yet, maybe i'll port this blog over there and throw in a few extra things to make it a more interactive lesbian-geared site. My mind is overflowing with ideas so we'll see what comes of it. I'll keep you updated.

Pride is in the air!

I always get excited around this time of yr because it's all about US and we know how to do big things when the spotlight is turned our way. Despite the ass-backwardness that is Prop 8, I think San Francisco will be on fire this pride season. Not many places top the electricity that runs through the city during pride. Although i'm partial to Atlanta pride (the clubs are HOT), I will say it's still not as vibrant & happy/carefree as SF. I need a dose of vibrance & carefreeness (is that a word?) in my life right now, so i'm excited about doing pride at home this year. I plan on hitting up the parade, the castro, the after-parties and i'll pretty much be drunk the entire weekend. Good times for all! What will u be doing and which pride celebration are you attending?

The Triflin,The HOEmewreckers & the Idiots that let em move in

2009-06-04T08:29:00.000-07:00

Abrowngirl and Kiwi's posts on similar topics inspired today's entry. So thank them & go show em some attention :)

The Homewrecker- A 3rd party who moves in on someone else when they damn well know that person is already taken. [not a websters definition but it works] This can be done intentionally (90% of the time) or unintentionally (10%). [not scientific data but it also works] Either way, you're still a homewrecker.

The Triflin- The person in the relationship who "slips" and falls on another woman's strap, finger or face. Oh & lest we not forget that cheating does not have to be physcial. So the Triflin can also be someone who falls in love/lust or any other inappropriate feelings for someone else outside of their relationship.

The Idiot- The one getting played. I hate to be so harsh because the blame should never be entirely on this person but in these situations, if you look back once its all said and done, there were usually always signs of what was going on. If you choose to overlook the signs or if you allow yourself to be blinded by love time & time again, you're an idiot. Plain and simple. Sorry.

I feel as if I can bluntly speak on all of the above because at various points in my not so long of a life, I have played all 3 roles. [hangs head in shame. lol] On my journey of becoming a stronger woman & a better girlfriend, i've been lost in thought about why people do the things we do and how to become an overall better decision maker. Since my relationship has been the catalyst for my change, I figure relationship issues are a good place to start analyzing and finding solutions to the myriad of problems. So let's tackle this cheater/cheatee thing, using myself as an example. Fun times ahead.

Why would someone settle for being a homewrecker?
When i signed up for the job as the other woman, I did so because 1) I liked the drama & adrenaline rush (see:young & stupid), 2) I was fresh out of a dysfunctional situation that was not my fault and thought hey what the hell. Might as well cause some dysfunction of my own, 3)I was flattered someone would be willing to risk ruining their security for lil ole me. and 4) I had nothing else productive to do.
So I went along for the ride filled with back seat trysts, secret texts & phonecalls, illicit meetings and an abundance of lies. I ate it up. I even went as far as meeting the girlfriend, smiling all up & in her face with a halo over my head and a knife behind my back...
Then came the day where I had the lightbulb moment: i'm better than this! So did I remove myself from the situation all together? Nope. I shoved my head even further up my ass and completed the ultimate no-no, I "stole" the girl away from her current relationship and ejected her into my life, expecting her to get a dose of act right overnite. (see: young and even more stupid) Think she took that dose? Hell to the no. She turned around and did the same shady shit to me that she did to her ex. Big surprise there. I cried the blues & cursed the world, promising to never ever get played for a fool again. It may have been a personal setback but I learned a lot from that situation that will indeed keep me from going thru it ever again, trust.

How could someone be so Triflin?
This one is just as simple to answer as any other question if you're ready to be honest with yourself. I just found that honest place within myself over the past few months & i'm ready to share. Yayyy :-) Being the cheater is not a good look. You might think it is while you're caught up in some sideline ass, but trust me, it's not very attractive and the ugliness shows as bright as day. You think you're bein slick and smooth with yours, but someone can & will see it. I've never physically cheated on anyone and i think I may have been too chicken shit in the past to do so. Currently I have no desire to do so because my head is finally on straight. [figuratively speaking] But emotional cheating can be just as painful & it's easy to fall into, even if it wasnt your original plan to do so. People are people and we will do what we are wired to do, mix & mingle and mesh with others who appease our appetites. If we meet someone who piques our interests mentally, how easy & harmless is it to strike up convo and keep it flowing? Very. Talking and befriending is not the problem. Trouble doesn't occur until talking leads to flirting which leads to mixed signals which leads to overstepping boundaries which leads to falling hard for the lure of the grass on the other side. It happens because we let it happen. Cheating is not nature playing its course. Its our decision-making skills at their ass-backward worse. I became emotionally attched to people I shouldnt have because I did not know how to properly section off my boundaries and keep a certain part of myself solely for my partner. I needed the attention from EVERYone in whichever form it came in. I did it because my head was all fucked up, I felt like I could get away with it and because my past was filled with people doing me dirty so why not join em? It caused shitloads of unecessary drama that I'll always regret and if I made smarter choices, I never would've had to endure it. Key point is: It's not hard to make the right decision when you know what your values are & it's in that moment of decision-making that your destiny is shaped.

When am I officially an idiot?
It is tricky at times to distinguish between unwarranted paranoia & genuine intuition. I get em mixed up all the time. lol. But there a few things you know you gotta pause for.

If you keep having that nagging feeling in the crevices of your soul that sumthin just aint right, and you choose to ignore it. You're an idiot.

If your significant other can't keep someone elses name out of their mouth that you have never met and you don't push the issue of making that meet up happen sooner than later, you're an idiot. If she's important enough for all this extra attention, then she's important enough to be introduced to you as well.

If you can't hold on to your significant other's cell phone for ten minutes without them sweating bullets & asking questions & you dont say shit about it, you're an idiot.

If your partner has to take phone calls "privately" [privacy is anywhere YOU aren't], and you don't find out what the business is, you're an idiot.

If you've caught & confronted your partner about cheating and ain't shit changing about the situation and you're still there when they get home tonight, you're an idiot.

If you never open your mouth to express your feelings about whatever it is that's bothering you out of fear of what the other person might do to you, you're an idiot & you're in an abusive relationship.

If you are OKAY with sharing your partner with the next chick AND you're getting yours on the side too AND everyone involved is happy....~~you're an idiot~~

Okay so that's all for Sex & Relationships 101 today. Agree? Disagree? Couldnt care less cuz u didn't have the patience to read it all?

So you say she's just a friend...

2009-06-02T10:11:00.000-07:00

Happy Tuesday everyone! Im tryin to be all excited about it & give off positive vibes, but anyone who knows me knows that I truly can not get excited over any day of the week besides the love of my life a.k.a FRIDAY. But still. Happy Tuesday.

So let's talk about friends. I've been making them my entire life. Never really had a problem making and keeping friends when I was younger because I was very friendly, a social butterfly of sorts and kept myself out there like that. Plus everyone just likes me :-) But i'm noticing that as I get older (i'm talkin like 25 is next to death) my readiness to open up and befriend people has dwindled down to very meager levels. I believe there are quite a few reasons for this, including the fact that i'm busy as hell and really have no free time to galavant the streets how I use to. Thats just something I can't help right now. But something I should be able to control but really dont have much of a clue where to start is how to initiate and maintain close friendships while in a serious relationship without letting the green-eyed jealousy bandit rear its head on either side.

I'm a ~~little~~ a lot envious of people who are able to balance friendships and relationships with perfect precision. I've never been good at it. Someone always ends up mad at me. My friends cuz i spend too much time under my gf, or my gf cuz she feels neglected , or worse threatened, by my closeness with my friends. Its just too much. So that led me to kinda drop the friendship ball & I didnt feel too bad about it because my current gf has become one of my best friends anyway! Which is a good thing. The problem arises though when 1 or both people in the relationship start to feel the pressure of always being together, never hanging out with other people, thus experiencing overkill. NOT a good thing. But what do you do now that you're use to having all of someone's attention, and you're use to only having to cater to one person? It's hard to just break habits and jump back into having a social life. lol. It's also close to impossible to be willing and ready to let go of a chunk of your gf's time, space, and opportunity. Yes, i've become a selfish greedy girlfriend hog and I don't know how to stop it :-(

I dont know why, when, where or how this happened. Kinda blind-sided me because i've never been a clingy person. Ever. I never liked being up under any of my significant others 24/7. I use to need my own space to breathe and just do me. I use to really not care about whoever I was with having friends and hanging out without me because I could just go do the same thing. And if I wasn't hanging out with other people, I'd be perfectly fine being by my damn self at home! That Chanel is no longer among us. But someone needs to find her and bring her ass back quick fast and in a hurry cuz this new Chanel is NOT the bizness. I repeat : idontlikeher

Blah.

I just wanna enjoy my relationship, enjoy my girl friend, enjoy other people appropriately, and honestly trust that she can and will do the same without any bull shit and drama on either side from any one. Why is this so hard?

The saddest breakup

2009-05-29T20:06:00.001-07:00

I cant watch this without crying...yeah yeah i know im a big baby. What can I say?

What's yours is mine and what's mine is...well, mine.

2009-05-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged since Tragic Tuesday cuz I haven't been feelin it at all. But, since I will be M.I.A for the next 3 days, I decided to post a lil sumthin. Let's talk about selfishness. After the prop 8 fiasco, and my post on monogamy, I think selfishness is a fitting topic. Y'all know I love starting with definitions.

Selfishness- To be devoted to or care only for oneself, concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits and and well-being.

We were all taught that being selfish is not a good look. You don't make or keep friends by solely looking out for yourself. It's better to put others first and to take joy in giving rather than receiving. And I agree with all of the above. But what some aren't taught is that sometimes, being selfish is the only way to get you through. Being completely selflLESS (opposite of selfish in case u didnt know, lol) can get you in a lot of trouble depending on the company you keep. You will be taken advantage of, mistaken as a push over, milked and drained dry. So there does come a time where you need to say back the fuck up and let me do me for a minute. You don't necessarily have to be so rude, that's just me ;-)

Now I have a question: Under what circumstance is being selfish an okay thing to do when you're in a relationship?

When you're wifed up (even if it's not legal grrr), its common thought to share and share alike under all circumstances. Money, food, belongings, time, etc. It's all thrown into one big free for all pool where both of u can excessively have at it. Is this the best way to do things? Or is it best to ration certain things out to your own discretion? Those of you in relationships, how do you and your partner handle things? Is it to each her own or do you share across the board?

Taking bets on prop 8! [updated]

2009-05-26T08:59:00.000-07:00

So i'm sitting here at work on this bright California Tuesday morning. Had quite an um...interesting weekend to put it mildly. Week actually. No, make that an interesting month. But I think this weekend kinda capped it all off. I hope. Maybe I can move along and be done with the drama. Spring semester is DONE woooo hoo! So I dont have school to stress over, at least for the next 3 weeks. Life can only get better from here.

Oh but there is that little Prop 8 thing. Most of u should know that the CA court will be giving its decision today around 10am regarding the ban- does it stay or does it go? Im hoping for an American Idolesque upset. Like I want the judges to come trotting out waving rainbow flags while telling the prop 8 supporters to shove their ban up their ignorant asses.

A gay girl can dream BUT I know I can't have it all so i'll just settle for a vote to overturn the ban and let us marry!
My fingers are crossed. Im trying not to get my hopes too high up there because...well just because i know how this shit goes. But im a tad bit hopeful. I mean it really is ridiculous to think that California even has to go through all this. For a state that supposedly leads the country towards all things progressive, we sure as hell are slacking on this one. I mean Vermont and Iowa beat us to it!? Come on now.

So here's to hoping that my Tuesday will be an amazing one and that California will finally take a step away from the darkside cuz if not, i'm seriously considering moving to Canada.

Stay tuned as i update....

10:12 am as reported on CNN, CA courts rule to keep ban in place but the couples who have already married prior to the ban will remain legally bound.
In other words, congrats to those who rushed to city hall before Nov. 4 2008 and a big giant FUCK YOU YOU DONT MATTER EVEN THO YOU PAY TAXES LIKE EVERY ONE ELSE to the rest of us gay people who didnt get married then but would most definitely like to one day before I'm dead and gone. I cant do this today. They just pissed me off. Any hope that I did have has been dashed and buried now...

Friday blues

2009-05-22T09:59:00.000-07:00

The song asks should I just keep chasing pavements
If I only had the option
its like pavements are chasing me
crushing my leverage
stifling my air
brick walls and falling bridges at every turn
I'm desperately seeking help
not a hand, but a heart
something to let me know that its okay to get comfortable with the fact that it may never be okay....

Such a tragic inevitability
karma
is a bitch and so was I
Nice to meet you
I extend my hand, not to greet you but to snatch my soul back from your lethal grasp
Stop time and rewind it back to the day before mistakes were made
Made like the bed i'm now forced to lie in
because i failed to rise above the bullshit and drama

But its a new day! I sang
I smiled and promised to never turn back towards the past
Let it simmer behind me, a constant heat
Serving as a reminder that when you play with fire....

Hurt me

2009-05-20T15:22:00.000-07:00

Hurt me

because u want to
because it feels good...even though the truth behind it all hurts even worse
Hurt me

for your sanity
for your bruises
for your boulevard of broken dreams
Hurt me

how u know you need to
how u feel u should have long before it became the only thing you remember how to do
Hurt me

for some get back
for some attention
for a release
for a purpose that will escape you years from now
when all that will be left is a shield of infected scars
and remnants of a battle that produced two casualties of an ill-fought war
Hurt me

to numb your own pain
to boost your own ego
to strengthen your own bond with this new side of yourself that smells blood
throws salt
claws the ground
and suffers silently

Hurt me

because it will never be enough
Not peace
solidarity
unity
forgiveness
redemption
honesty
not even love

all pales in comparison to the potency of pain

hurt me so the story can come to an end

That's what im use to you know
Whichever form it comes in
i hurt you u hurt me
u hurt me first i hurt u last u hurt me again...
i hurt myself best

so hurt me

at least i'll be among familiar company
i'll cry familiar tears
feel familiar guilt
pity
shame
loss
anger
resentment stopping short of hate...or maybe not

doesnt matter as long as you reach your goal
so hurt me
and make it count
make it sting
burn
fester
boil over
and spill in abundance
seep into the purest of my spiritual soil
reaping more of what drove you to hurt me in the first place...

-Chanel

Im gonna make some people mad @ me....

2009-05-19T13:30:00.001-07:00

But i've been known to ruffle a few feathers. Why stop now?

Let's talk about monogamy. I've been blessed to come from a home where my parents have managed to stick together like glue for thousands of yrs. And i assume they're happy cuz if they weren't I'd hear my mother's mouth about this that and the other. So i know couples can make forever work if they put enough into it. But what I dont know (and what I dont ever want to know when it comes to my parents) is if it's natural and/or necessary to be completely 100% physcially monogamous in order to make a relationship work.

I have known a few couples who have revolving open relationships. Not the same as 24/7 open where you have freedom to have sex with everything moving whenever you want. A revolving open relationship is when either person gets a random "itch" (as my gf put it) and has the greenlight from her partner to step outside of the relationship for a sexual encounter with someone else. Of course minor rules apply: no mutual friends, no ex-gf's, no co-workers, no sneaking to get more without your partner knowing about it, no extra questions asked. And this completely works. Why? I've never asked but i'm thinking it works because:

No need to sneak behind someone's back to cheat.
Open communication about needs and wants
Bypass the whole "feeling trapped" syndrome because u get to have sex with someone else from time to time and not get your ass kicked for it. I don't care what anyone says, everyone has or will feel trapped at one point, even if the relationship is peaches & cream.
Variety is the spice of life

So my question is how awful would it be to try this method? If you've reached a point in your relationship where you know you want to be with someone else forever, you know you plan on making a life with someone.... but every now and then you can't help having a strong physical attraction to someone else..... wouldn't it relieve pressure to implement the revolving open door policy? Imean if it's oh so natural for eyes to wander from time to time & if "itches" are inevitable, why not make it easier to deal with?

OR would it just cause that much more drama ? Would this work for you? Anyone ever tried it?

Monday's quick question

2009-05-18T10:08:00.000-07:00

If you could live in an exclusive LGBT community, would you? And I mean a real community, gay schools/universities, grocery stores, libraries, malls, churches, clubs, restaurants. Everything gay owned and catering to US.

Smile Love Laugh & Live

2009-05-15T13:57:00.000-07:00

Pictures are worth a thousand words.....

Love is never wrong, and if it is, i'll never be right

***Update** Remember how I was struggling with how to come out at work? Well I just came out to my first person in my office! Wonder how much of a domino effect this is gonna be....It felt really really good :-)

When the need for validation becomes dangerous...

2009-05-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

Validate: To authenticate, verify, prove and or give a sense of worth to something or someone

I like to think that I'm a very confident, reassured woman who feels secure in the many things that I have to offer to friends, family and society as a whole. Most people looking at me from the outside would probably guess that I have never had much of a low self-esteem problem, and if anything I have a little too much. lol. I agree that I was raised by parents who made sure that I was told i'm beautiful, i'm smart and i'm worth it [sounds like a L'oreal ad], and I have bypassed many of the hangups that women fall prey to especially in younger years when feelings of inadequacy are hard to fight. But as an adult I think I may have dropped the ball.

Lately i've been talking with a couple of friends who are stuggling with validation. One friend has ended a long term relationship and is now wondering if she's even deserving of anything better because she can't seem to find it anywhere, therefore she's now searching everywhere. [Never a good thing.] Another friend is in a very very long term relationship that has been unstable for the past 4 yrs or so, mainly because her partner is a psycho. [sorry but she is] Over the past yr, her partner has attempted to turn a new leaf and start acting like she has some sense. But for my friend it's a tad bit too late because now her eyes are starting to wander and she's finding herself in situations where she's craving something more...from someone else.

I have a problem with needing attention and I tend to get it by interacting with people whom I know I shouldn't interact with because either 1) they're obviously attracted to me, or 2)i'm attracted to them. If I was single, it would be all good. But i'm not so it's most definitely all BAD. I haven't physically crossed any boundaries but u know that whole flirt thing that precariously tiptoes the line of emotional cheating and so forth... [sigh]

All of the above situations scream out a need to be validated. I know it's natural for people to want attention and to feel as if we're doing something right, or to feel attractive and wanted. But when does it cross the line into dangerous territory? When should validation from within be enough? Or is it ever truly enough? Should your significant other ever be your only source of outside validation?

Happy Friday! Lez youtube trickery of the week

2009-05-08T11:37:00.000-07:00

@3:15 "Make that booty talk heyyyyy" lmfao! Wow. Bored as f*ck. Get a job :-)

I hate cooking. But i'll do it for my GF cuz i love her & cuz she loves my food. But i'll be damned if i turn into Betty Crocker every damn nite. Its not happenin. Answer that tho. Good question. Do you think femmes should do all the cooking?

Struggle with being out at work

2009-05-07T12:08:00.000-07:00

I officially came out to my parents in 2006. It was a mess. lol. Not because of my parents reaction (they already knew) but because of MY actions and the way I handled the whole situation within a different situation. I'm not even gonna go there today, just know that it was a hot funky mess that I am not proud of in the slightest. I dont regret very many of my actions in life but man....

Anywho, so yeah my parents know. I never made a big announcement to the rest of my family because 1)I dont really have any contact with them so I dont care what they do or dont know and 2)Its unecessary to me. I dont have any friends who don't know i'm gay. Most of my friends ARE gay. When i'm out & about, my gf & I don't hide the fact that we're together. I have gay paraphernalia (the cutest I LOVE GIRLS shirt you'll ever see!), rainbow jewelry, and I even have a pride tattoo on my foot (the woman symbol surrounded by six stars in rainbow colors). I would not define myself as being in the closet. Completely. Kinda 90% out, 10% in if thats possible.

The only aspect of my life where absolutely no one knows i'm a lesbian is at work. Im really struggling with this. I would like to be comfortable enough to let them know, but at this point, I dont know how to say it. Do I call a staff meeting? Put it in a memo? Or maybe I should try tossing it into random conversation. "Yeah hey about that school board meeting last night, but wait first u kno im a lesbian right?" Yeah um... no. I dont know how to do it. My gf told me i dont need to make a spectacle of it & i agree. But that doesnt tell me how to do it. I wish I would have came out way back when i was hired (2006) . That would've saved me from all of this worrysome mess. But of course, me being me, I never take the simple road. Maybe i should give it up and wait until i begin my actual career, once i finish school. I will most definitely be 100% out on my next job. No way in hell am i goin thru this again. Anyone else experiencing or have experienced this?

Do sex + lesbians = stalker?

2009-05-06T18:02:00.000-07:00

Casual sex= Sexual acts between 2 (or more:-) adults with no strings attached. Void of all committments and emotions.

We've all heard the following:
Women are emotional creatures by nature. (Depends)
When women have sex with someone its more of a mental thing than physical. (debatable)
Women get attached to their partners after having sex with them & there's damn near nothing u can do to stop it. (lol)

Okay, if all of the above are perceived to be true, how on earth do lesbians have one night stands? Many many one night stands at that. [sidebar, I myself have actually never had a one nite stand so i've missed out on all the fun. But ALL of my friends are a bunch of ~~skanks~~ sexually expressive women who like to hit it & quit it frequently ]

I do think that overall, women relate to sex differently than men do. Most men have magnets at the tip of their penises and anything with half a vagina attracts them from a mile away & they go for it, no hesitancy. In my experiences, women tend to be a tad more analytical

well if i do this, how will she think of me? Is she gonna call me? Maybe I should wait it out. I wonder if she even really likes me. Blah blah blah.

So can we have casual sex and keep it movin? And I mean REAL casual. Not the kind where you claim you arent feelin someone but the second she starts showin New Girl extra attention u start goin on mental trips, that eventually turn into obsessed stalker behavior (large amounts of unnecessary texts & phone calls, whining & complaining, randomly poppin up at work/home/club/gym) I mean the kind of sex where you get yours, she gets hers and y'all part ways only to hook back up the next time your body is callin for it (only if it was good of course).

New blog name- Who told u I had to give a f*ck?

2009-05-06T15:10:00.001-07:00

[please be prepared for a brief yet blunt fuck u to the people who have taken it upon themselves to piss me off. If this is not you, u dont necessarily need to read any further]
As I was saying- Who told u I had to give a fuck?
That's precisely what I should change my blog name to cuz it's the level i'm on right now. People these days feel as if they can say and do some old crazy off the wall type shit solely because what, you were born? I think not. I dont give a good two hells about blog etiquette when i'm writing for myself! What sense does that make? Im gonna censor myself on my own blog because my opinions rub u the wrong way. Get the hell on somewhere. Not in this lifetime spanning from 1983 until ...

I already have one disclaimer at the top of my page, allow me to make another clear:

My opinions belong to me. They arent contagious. Just because i say it doesnt make it gospel. Just because I condone it doesnt mean everyone else should or will. If I say I dont like something and YOU choose to take it personally, i advise you to work it on out and move right along cuz myself and the drama mix like oil and water=we dont. Follow me if u like. Ignore if you'd rather. I'll continue to do one simple thing and that's talk my shit.

Thank you and have a beautiful day. Back to my normal smiles and sunshiney self :-)

Impress me

2009-05-06T11:04:00.000-07:00

I was skimming an article about all the many ways men and women go about trying to impress each other. Some people lie, others are brutally honest. Some maintain strict work-out regimens to use their bodies as ways to impress. Others may not work out much but their mental abilities leave people hooked.

I'll admit to not being an easy person to impress. I expect a lot from people in general, so my mouth rarely drops in awe. If you tell me your goal is to graduate from college with an A average, i'm not gonna do cartwheels for you. I'll smile and say good, that should be your goal since you're paying for it and busting your ass to take the classes. Might as well get an A. I feel like this, don't try to impress me with stuff you should be doing for yourself anyway. It wont get you far.

A few things that do impress me though are:
*Being a good writer. Everyone claims to be a writer. Not everyone who claims to be one, is a good one. And it's not as easy as many would like to think. It takes a pen and a sheet of paper to write a poem, it takes an artist to create a piece that captivates and leaves a reader wanting more.
*Having strong vocal ability. I've been singing my entire life. I know the difference between natural talent and studio enhanced nonsense. If u can sing & produce a quality sound without the aid of any equipment, including a mic, i'm impressed. If you can sing AND you write your own stuff...i'm double impressed.
*Being able to hold an intellectual and witty conversation. This shouldn't be hard to come by, oh but sadly it is.
*Being a good arguer. Im a great arguer. Not too many people like to argue with me cuz i tend to shut it down. If u can strongly argue your point and it makes sense, kudos.
*I'm impressed by someone who not only believes that reading is fundamental but its ESSENTIAL to their soul. A well read woman is one of the most impressive (sexiest) things ever.

That's about it.

So what impresses you?

How & when to let go

2009-05-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

I've been fairly addicted to my Ipod over the past few weeks. Not too shocking seeing as how much I love music. So I've been rediscovering Chrisette Michele, Goapele, Corinne Bailey Rae & Adele lately and they're really taking me there. My girlfriend is also into Chrisette and she fell in love with her song Blame It On Me. The premise of the song is basically she's beyond done with her relationship & she's telling her significant other that it doesnt matter what he thinks of her, he can blame the entire fucked up situation on her, put all the weight on her shoulders, call her every name in the book...as long as the last thing he says to her is GOOD BYE. Cuz he gots ta go.

So it got me wondering about how long it takes and how hard it is to get to that point for many of us. It's like we have to go through the pits of hell, the eye of every storm, through the lions den and across the Sahara Dessert before we throw in the towel. My question is, is it suppose to be like that?

My train of thought is that the more serious a relationship, the stronger the commitment. The more you're committed to a person, the more you're willing to work through hard times instead of bailing out at first signs of trouble. And this is a good thing. Marriages such as my parents who have been together for 43 yrs (yes I said 43) would never happen if every time someone fucks up, you end the relationship. But the key to a lasting relationship has to go beyond being willing to put up with all the drama. Not everyone's bullshit is worth the blood sweat and tears it takes to push past it. I guess it takes large doses of common sense, a clear & open mind and sound advice to figure out who is worth fighting for and who we should let go....

I've learned through lots of trials and even more errors that if the foundation of something isn't sturdy, whatever you try to build on top of it will eventually crumble. It may not happen tomorrow, or next month, but time will chip away at the weak ground beneath it and the structure will fall. So one important key to a strong relationship is making sure you start out on the right foot. Begin with honesty, straightforwardness, and respect and the road ahead will most definitely be a lil smoother. Now for those of US who learned this lesson late [raising my own hand] what do we do if we started on shaky ground and are already well past the first few building stages?

Demolish that shit and start over.

Real talk. I have someone now that I know in my mind, body and soul is beyond worth everything we've ever gone through. Especially seeing as how it was ME who brought alot of the crap to the table. And now im making up for lost time and stupid mistakes by starting over piece by piece. Once things are in order and how they should have been in the beginning, I can only imagine the powerful & beautiful nature of our relatonship. I still have to learn how to LET GO. But in this case, i'm letting go of certain negative aspects of myself that is hindering our growth. It's a very necessary process. It's also scary as all hell. But hey, like I said, when you find someone worth it, you gotta do what u gotta do.

I found this new blog and umm...

2009-05-04T15:13:00.000-07:00

Its quite interesting. She has a lot going on, and I do mean alot. I havent posted any responses yet because I really dont know what to say! Its deep. Check it out here

Thou shall not judge...but damn if its not hard

2009-05-04T10:33:00.000-07:00

Okay so let me start by saying Happy Monday and all that jazz even though I hate mondays with a passion and would much rather be in my bed next to this person right here.

Anywho back to the topic at hand, I'd like to think that i'm an open-minded person. I'm far from being a prude, don't too much care what other people have goin on or what they do in the privacy of their own homes because I can't stand someone nosing around all up in mine. But this weekend while bussin it on the sucky public transportation system out here in the boonies, I saw something that I turned my nose up at on sight. A stud got on the bus, lookin like she jus finished smokin & drinkin on god knows what type of below bottom shelf liquor (basement floor?), and that was ok cuz most of the people out here look like dammit all to hell anyway. So im use to it. But then her girlfriend (i guess) got on and it all went down hill from there. The girlfriend was just as high as the stud & had on about two inches of clothes (mind u it rained all wkend so her uncovered parts were unattractively ashy) and a pair of too small breakyoneck stilettos that no one really wears in real life unless you plan on swingin around a pole. (Not knockin the stripper community, im jus sayin) They got on, talkin all loud, gigglin and tee hee heein for no apparent reason, yellin across the bus at some boy who tagged along with them & slobbering all over each other as if they had no kinda home training. At this point im like Oh lawd, why do they have to represent US like that? Us being the black lesbian community. So my girl was in full agreeance & we exchanged more than a few looks about the trickery unraveling before us.

Later on that evening, I brought them up for some random reason, referring to them as "those two chicks on the bus" and my girl looked at me like I was talking outta my ass. Then she told me what i shoulda known in the 1st place i guess, the "fem" was a man. I pressed rewind on my mentals and took a closer look and I had to agree. Dont kno how it slipped past me, but it did. My nose turned up even more after that, and i got that "somebody farted" look on my face, u know what im talkin about. The boo boo face. Something just doesnt sit well with me about that. Now i dont know these people from a can of paint, but im willing to bet the stud identifies as a lesbian. And to that i'm a bit befuddled. If you're a female, dating a man who dresses like a female, does this make you a lesbian? And now, Glennisha's post over on Tami's blog has me thinkin that maybe i'm in the wrong for questioning whether or not someone is really a lesbian? But come on now. Im sorry, when 2 +2 doesn't equal 4....

What do y'all think?

For my readers

2009-05-01T09:57:00.000-07:00

I don't really take the time to go on and on about how much I love Fridays here at this blog, but I do it all the time over at my other spot. Friday truly is the best day of the week. And if it weren't for blogging and for those of you who read & give the best comments ever, my work week would feel like death. I'm SO over working a 9 to 5 its not funny. (praying for that book deal so I can giddily quit)

Anywho, I just wanted to thank all of you for joining me here at the Rainbow Room. I learn something new with every post because of your feedback. I love the dialogue and I'm elated to be able to get so many different perspectives on various topics. Shout out & link ups to my most frequent visitors whose amazing blogs I take up limitless amounts of space & opportunity on :-) - Monie, Alix, Curiouslovechild, Whatilike, Breastswildasblkwaves, Glennishamorgan, Pinkchocolatesunshine & Studwithswag. Check em all out. Definitely worth the read.

To everyone THANK YOU for reading!

Have a great weekend!

I tried to tap into my straight "side" yesterday...

2009-04-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about myself yesterday. I mean, I think to myself all the time (duh), but I was actually thinking about myself and my history as far as relationships go. I've exclusively dated women for the past six years. Before that, there were a few guys on the radar. But after 2003, it's like they dropped off the face of my world. lol. No offense to men but y'all became lightweight irrelevant to me.

Sometimes it boggles my mind how things work, especially when it comes to sexuality. I'm the first to say that sexuality is fluid and complicated, but once you've figured yourself out and you're secure in it, it shouldn't be complex at all to you. (Maybe to everyone else but who cares?) So yeah, yesterday I got to thinking about how smoothly I made that switch over to being comfortable and happy dating & being sexually active with women only. I haven't had any withdrawl smptoms, any cravings or flashbacks, no shoulda coulda wouldas, nothing. And Im so happy about that. That's why im an advocate of trying it all out early on to see what suits you best. Because once you find it, you'll know and you won't have to deal with being flip floppy. (y'all know how I feel about fickle sometimey any way the wind blow lesbians)

But just for the hell of it, yesterday while I was out & about, I took notice of this guy. He was cute. Very cute actually. Chanel via 2000 woulda been delighted with him. lol. Now, I'm happily wifed up (Hi Baby!!:-) so I didnt wanna make anything obvious to him that I was tryin to check him out because I didn't wanna have to burst his bubble and tell him I was taken. So I was trying to be discrete. He had a great physique. Tall, toned, well dressed. He was attractive. I wanted to see if I could feel NOW what I felt yrs ago for the opposite sex.

You know how it is when you see someone physically attractive who really catches your attention...a light tingle runs down your spine all of a sudden, makes you take notice like mmmm. Your eyes tattle-tell on you as they roam to whichever places on the body or face that fascinate you the most. That slight smile teases across your lips as your mind begins to wander, tip toeing that fine line of lust...

Y'all know what i'm talking about.

Yeah um, it didn't happen for me yesterday. At all. lol. I saw him, noted that he was cute, tried to see if i felt anything extra and...nada. It's honestly just not there. No spark or kismet whatsoever for men anymore. Its kinda trippy! Like how does that happen? Did a part of my brain shut down? Or maybe a part of my soul woke up....

I don't know. It's just different with women. So different. And men...yeah you guys are still pretty much irrelevant to me. Sorry!

Twitter me!

2009-04-29T18:27:00.000-07:00

Ok so this isn't necessarily gay news but I'm like the last person on earth to get a Twitter and i'm all excited about it. [I can follow Oprah & Ellen!! :-) ] My Twitter name is PoetryIsBliss. Tweet me!

Do you take offense when someone asks if you're gay?

2009-04-28T08:30:00.001-07:00

Last night I found my topic with a little help from College Hill on BET.
Sidebar- The College Hill cast is a hot ass mess and BET has got to do better. lol. Are there no black college students available who have some comon sense and tact? Not from the looks of things...

Anywho, so yeah. Of course there's a token gay person on the show, Kyle. And there's also a bi woman, Allison. On the first day of the show, Kyle and Milan (straight chick) met up with each other before meeting with everyone else. Milan asked Kyle if he was gay like within the 1st 3 mins of their convo. Honestly she didn't have to ask. I hate to sound stereotypical but Kyle is about as gay as gay can get. Fingersnaps, head rolls and then some. But I guess Milan didn't want to be presumptuous so she asked. Kyle gasped and cut his eyes at her and denied it. (I was about to cut the tv off over such blatant lies & trickery) But then he laughed and said yes he's gayer than gay (as I mentioned) Fine. All was well. Or so i thought. Once all the roomies met up with each other, Milan decides to jump right on in and opened the conversation with "Sooo who's gay, who's straight?" Allison says "I'm Bi." No biggie. Everyone else is like I'm straight. Kyle kyle kyle. He proceeds to blow up and snatch Milan's head off her shoulders for asking the question. He felt as if she were trying to out him on purpose with some sort of malice. When I say he went off, I mean he went OFF. "Did i ask if you were a man, bitch? Why you got all that make up on your face? Are your eyelashes fake? Is that yo hair?!" Blah blah blah.

Now I just wanna know if his response was warranted? I don't think it was. Yeah, Milan's question was random and should have been saved maybe for another time, and maybe she did have bad intentions. But me being me, I probably would have asked who was gay as well just because im nosey as hell and would want to know who I can identify with in one way or another! Allison didnt have a problem with it at all. She said she was bi and moved right along. No drama. But Kyle is a drama queen to the 10th power and I really believe that he just wanted some attention and wanted to show off his acting skills to set the tone for the rest of the season. How would you react if someone asked who was gay or straight? Do you get all beside yourself if someone poses the question to you?

When the sex flies out the window....

2009-04-27T09:32:00.000-07:00

So we all know how it is in the beginning of new relationships. Everything is lovey dovey and filled with kisses and tickles and giggles and goo goo eyes, topped off with LOTS of mind blowing spine tingling sex. It's all fresh and new and exciting and you just cant get enough so you go at each other like porn stars. Its great :-)

Fastforward a few yrs into the relationship. Lights on, cameras off, the dust has settled and the real world has crept in. SOME couples are good at keeping the sex new and energized. Others...not so much. So what is going on? I never really believed in the whole Lesbian Bed Death concept. The rule that says women in lesbian relationships tend to have less sex than hetero couples because women naturally have lower sex drives and eventually, the sex dies completely. Now I dont know about any of you but i'll never last long in a relationship where the sex is dead. So what do you do to keep it flowin properly?

Many couples attribute a lack of sex to one or more of the following:
-no chemistry
-poor communication
-no attraction
-someone is cheating

None of the above are good for relationships. I see why the sex would die in these conditions. But what if it really is NONE of the above? What happens to that exciting sex life in the begining? Is it nature? Or is it something that can be worked on and revived?

For the love of lesbian poetry...

2009-04-24T12:38:00.000-07:00

Staceyann Chin. Im not even gonna get into how deep she is. I remember her from old school Def Jam Poetry episodes on HBO and the image of her effortless delivery of her fiery flow, topped with that thick afro cascading down shoulders always poised and ready to spit yet another line of poetry to throw you back on your ass....yes. Ms Staceyann Chin is the bizness and this is one of her poems that i'm a huge fan of. (Please notice my comments in pink parenthesis. Sorry I jus couldnt help myself.)

Common Truths or Why I Love Pussy (Holla!)
Itching fingers make for poignant laughter feet dangling miles above where we began
years ago I told her that this too shall pass and she remembers
even now she kicks intermittent heels swinging rhythmic as if feet were made for hanging off of high places
women have always been the center of things beautiful for me becoming woman has always been the center of my girlhood
the sum of my thighs ankles even my shoulders were always girl
when I bled for the first time I told only my best friend
wrapped my secret in her ear and assured her that this blood meant we could make babies
being girl and vulnerable meant I had to run faster than itchy fingers farther than sweaty palms reaching for my hands my tiny breasts had to be brave against the full fling of his fury when I refused
when I stabbed him pencil point sliding swift into his flesh the whole house stirred and slipped silly into a frenzy and I was proud of my pencilpoint sharp and without fear
my aunt beat me anyway and I cried more out of loneliness than anything
one cousin’s name still remains quiet upon my tongue
I think of him when I am sad or angry or afraid of things that do not make noises in the dark
the other one stark raving mad
showed me his dick told me I smelled like a woman in my little girl’s body hips barely budding he cornered me
in the hallway the bathroom
when I bled
I washed quick and quiet in secret I became a cradle for civilization
no body not woman can claim that privilege
magic Rachel says magic
we can stir our hips and dip them in footprints of blood
mark the path of a nation a world a universe of possible peoples charting a familiar course
I am a girl become woman now
no queries necessary under my skirt my jeans cargo pants panties boxers
under my briefs rests my pussy my twat my cunt bleeds
once a month I am reminded that though the traffic from my womb has been slow
though I have not yet given birth
I can
my body can do something no boy or man or not-woman can
do it! I dare you to make people without a vagina
Buddha or Man or Beast
Even Jesus had to pass through a punani (LoLLL)

angels and messengers aside
Mary had to lend passage to God or them Christians might still be Jews
waiting for a Christ that was stuck up the ass of some man who though he could do what little girls do everywhere against their wishes
they carry sons and fathers and cousins who envy their vagina
their breasts their ability to make breath from passion or the neat decision of an intent
one day my own body will semaphore
petals will bloom little girls called Olivia
and Andrea and Elisha and Racquel
mouths will open wide in wonder and terror
at the beauty the magic of what girls do everyday women carry people into places of being
everyday I am grateful I was born

bloody snatch in just the right place
yesterday my mother told me to write my story
no matter that I write her in unflattering truths
write she told me
I hope it sells so you can have a child with a heart like yours
beating fair and kind
and everything was better
it did not matter that she left me twice

no matter that me being girl meant that she could not be safe as woman
in Jamaica 1972 yesterday
she said
write and the world righted itself and I wished that every girl whose mother left
would give her permission
unnecessary but grand
to say what happened
to her flesh and fury
to write how she survivedthe splendor of being a small girl
in a big world that so deeply favors men

I wish every girl
had a room of her own a room with a splendid view a room from which she could be safe from the terror of these brutal but common truths....

Here goes the whole being gay v. being black thing again

2009-04-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

So if she stood up there and said "Black people shouldn't be allowed to marry" you'd have written the same article
defending her?

The above is a comment posted on CNN commenter Roland Martin's article about Ms. California's anti gay marriage answer at the Miss Usa competition. Roland addresses how people are funny actin and claim that we all want someone to "keep it real and honest" but when Ms. California gave her honest opinion she "gets attacked at every angle for it." Roland proceeds to call Perez Hilton a "drama queen posing as a wannabe journalist who ratchets up unimportant material for publicity."

Wow.

Okay. So now I kinda agree with the whole funny actin people part. Our society is filled with flip-floppy, fickle, hypocritical, gullible people. We claim to want one thing, but can't handle it when we get it. We stand up against one injustice, but feed into others. It's sad but I get it. BUT there's a huge difference in wanting full honesty from a person and not agreeing with the underlying message beneath that honesty. I applaud Ms. California for having the balls to represent a state filled with the most gay people per square inch and still give the answer that she gave. Kudos to YOU Ms. CA cuz honey trust and believe that WE (pointing to all the gay cali folk and straight allies) are evil-eyein you like crazy rite now & i know it makes you uncomfie. So yea, claps & whistles for being brave & honest. But that doesn't stop me from despising her take on the issue.

Now relating it back to that comment in red up above, i really really wish people wouldn't even go there. Roland Martin is a seemingly straight black man in America. Being gay is not an attribute of his. He has never been persecuted for it. He has never struggled with it. This doesn't mean he hates gay people. It does mean that he identifies with being black and does not identify with being gay. Duh. They are two entirely different things. One is sexuality, the other is race. One some people believe is a choice (ridiculous as it sounds), the other is obviously not a choice and can not be dodged or covered up unless you have the $$$ for bleaching treatments. (I don't reccommend) Black people have fought through loads of crap for hundreds of years and will continue to fight through loads of crap for hundreds of years. (No, President Obama & Michelle can't fix it all no matter how much I love them.) Gay people have fought through our own brand of crap for hundreds of yrs and it shows no sign of stopping. It may not be as heavily documented, as easily accessible, or on such a mass level as the degradation of an entire race BUT there's no denying that gay rights have been severely stifled. So each group of people (blacks, gays and Lord help those of us who are black AND gay) has the right to feel angry and passionate about our own causes. So why do some feel the need to mix and mingle them? They have absolutely nothing to do with each other. Im a young, black, liberal lesbian and I believe in many causes across the board. They all mean something to me, they're all worth a fight and all the problems that come along with being young, black, liberal and a lesbian piss me off. I will not push one down for the other. I will not tolerate being persecuted for being gay while fighting against racism. I wont say that the black struggle is the same as the gay struggle. Each one holds its own weight and importance on a social and a personal level and I will give both issues the respect they deserve. Why can't others do the same? What are your thoughts?

Perez Hilton v. Killa Cali

2009-04-21T08:54:00.000-07:00

Ms. California is working my last nerve. Strike one is the fact that she's blonde and blue eyed. Like seriously, she does NOT represent cali well at all. Not everyone here looks like Malibu Barbie. We use to be a part of Mexico dammit! They couldn't find someone with some color and some curves? [sigh]

But then she went and pissed off Perez & most other lgbt family & supporters by saying she favors "opposite marriage because it's how I was raised. I'm sorry, it's just what I believe."

So what. Do u want a f*ckin cookie?

Sorry, I know it's a free country and we have the right to believe and not believe whatever we want but y'all know this burns me up. And then she had the nerve to say that she feels sorry for Perez and that she's praying for him. [side eye] She better be happy I wasn't at that Ms USA pageant cuz I woulda chucked my shoe right at her forehead.

LGBT stereotypes that should die a slow death

2009-04-08T10:32:00.000-07:00

Our society thrives off stereotypes. When one person does something, we tend to believe that one single person represents everyone who may look, act or sound remotely like him/her. It's called over-generalizing and it's rude. But hey, what can we do besides not buy into the stereotypes ourselves and try hard to shatter the walls. Here a few that piss me off:

* All lesbians hate men. Really? Well that's funny seeing as how my father is a man and I love him to death and back. I have no problems with men in general as long as they respect the fact that I want nothing to do with them intimately.

* Fems aren't really lesbians & all we need is some good d*ck in our lives. Yawn. Had some before. You see where I am now. Enough said.

*All studs want to be men. Now there are some masculine identified women who completely rebuke the idea of their womanhood. But not all studs are this extreme. My gf is a stud and loves being a WOMAN who loves WOMEN.

*Lesbian relationships never last long enough to mean anything. I'm working on 5 yrs and it means the world to me. My longest relationship EVER, so that stereotype is dispelled.

*Just because i'm a lesbian means I want YOU. Chances are I don't. I'm not attracted to ALL women. Far from it. Im choosy and just because i like women in general doesn't mean I want to turn every single woman in the world out.

There are many more, give me yours!

So who Downelinks?

2009-04-08T08:18:00.000-07:00

Downelink= Myspace for gay people. (although 70% of Myspace is gay in my opinion) I use to have a DL page. Kinda high profile, lots of friends (you kno that ridiculous # of people that looks good on the page but you only speak to maybe 10 of them so it's really a waste of time accepting them) I blogged religiously on there and thats where I attracted most of my attention, throw in a sarcastic sense of humor, a smart mouth, some cute pics and good poetry and it was on. lol. I admit to being a DL junkie for the greater portion of 2007. It became too much for my relationship, I was on there so damn much and talking to people who I shouldnt have been talking to cuz they served no purpose besides trouble. So yeah, had to let that go. It was fun & games while it lasted but I prefer for my relationship to last longer than my DL profile.

Who else has or had a DL page? Is it still any good or have they sucked all the funness (is that a word?) out of it by trying to copy off of Facebook? Have u ever had to ban yourself from DL or any other social networking site?

You're a gold star lesbian? How precious.

2009-04-02T14:15:00.000-07:00

I first learned the meaning of Gold Star Lesbian from the L Word, I believe it was season 3. (correct me if im wrong) When the ladies were seated outside at some sort of Tibette bbq/poolparty and Carmen revealed that she was a gold star. My ears automatically perked up to anything she had to say cuz she's that damn fine, so of course I wanna kno what a gold star is. It's promptly defined as a lesbian who has never had sex with a man. Claps & whistles for Carmen.

My star is a tad bit rusty. Is there a such thing as a brass star?

So who's in line with Carm and who's in my camp? Where do you think the majority lies?

I've wondered how my life would be different (if at all) if I had never been there done that with guys. I've also wondered if lesbians who have never slept with men feel as if they're a "higher caliber" of lesbian because they're untouched? lol. I know a couple of people who are elated at their gold star status, but I wonder if that translates over to them feeling a sense of "I'm more of a lesbian than you are because i've never been soiled by penis!!"

Whatever. My sexuality now (and for the past 6 yrs) has nothing to do with what I did when I was young and & confused. So after 20 yrs have gone by since i've slept with a man, maybe my star can get polished and buffed and become all sparkly again ;-)

Gay question of the day

2009-04-01T10:09:00.000-07:00

Should you experience having sex with with someone of your same sex BEFORE considering yourself gay or lesbian?

For me, this plays into the whole concept of gays and lesbians being hypersexualized in our society. As a lesbian, I feel as if people tend to think I sit around the house and f*ck 24 hours a day because hey, why else would I be into women?! And gay men have had a horrible rep for the longest now of being sexually "perverted" and promiscuous. I don't think there's a sex-prerequisite involved with knowing your sexual orientation. I've known i liked women since I was four. I was not having sex when I was four...I dont think. Plenty of people just have this feeling deep inside that they are the furthest thing from straight long before they even begin having sex. Now I do believe you should test the waters on both sides at least once in life, just to make sure you're safely on the right side of the island. I mean, how can you know whether or not you're severely disgusted with something if you never try it?

What's your take on this?

That's so GAY

2009-03-27T09:22:00.000-07:00

Two young girls are complaining about the tragedy of their 16 year old lives. One of them goes on and on about how her mother won't let her leave the house "just because I didnt come home last weekend and forgot to call her. I mean damn it's not like I wasn't with someone I didn't know. Now she's on my ass for every little thing. That's so gay."

Question: When and why did "gay" become interchangeable with "that sucks" or "that's lame" or "you look like a dumbass" ?

It doesn't make much sense to me. Goes to show how much negativity is attached to being gay. As if we needed anything else to point that out.

Bisexual now, gay later?

2009-03-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

According to Kinsey, sexuality is a very fluid scale that can variate at any given time during one's life. According to him, very few people are strictly hetero, or strictly homo. We're all a lil bit of this and a lil bit of that depending on the season, time of day and type of liquor. (ha)

So i'm wondering if i'm a poster child for the Kinsey scale.
As a child I was a child. Not really sure what anything was or wasn't, but I was awfully curious about both girls and boys. As a teenager I was into guys outwardly, and into girls inwardly but I didnt claim to be bi or anything. (Who did that in jr high?) As a young adult I began to question how straight I really was while I was thoroughly enjoying my experimentation with women. When I decided to finally drop the straight-mask, I immediately opted for bisexuality instead of claiming to be a lesbian. For some reason, it just sounded better. And maybe, at that time in life, I was bi I guess. But I knew something was wrong. And now as a grown, fully independent woman, I am a lesbian. Don't do men at all and don't ever plan on doing them again. The term bisexual no longer appeals to me in the slightest and now, I don't see how it ever appealed to me at all. But hey, it was what it was.
So how's that for a sliding scale? Is that a typical experience? Did any of you start the trip towards figuring out your sexuality, but detoured at a bisexual rest stop for a minute, before continuing towards gaydom? What about going backwards? From fully gay, back to bi? (Is this even believable?)

The Gay Agenda: Have you gotten your copy?

2009-03-23T13:38:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I heard they were bulk-mailed last weekend. I’ve had my copy on reserve since early 2006.

lol

For those of you whose eyes lit up, giddily screaming “I knew it wasn’t a myth!”, calm down. Sorry to disappoint you, but yes, it’s just a myth. The Gay Agenda is nothing but an elaborate concept contrived from the deluded mind of a bored heterosexual. The Gay Agenda has been toted for years as a scheming “How To” book, filled with top-secret plans on how we, the LGBT community, are going to wipe out heterosexual society as we know it, one straight person at a time. (Google Anita Bryant to see how all the nonsense began)

In recent years, it has all sort of morphed into a comical concept. At least for me it has. Maybe it’s the sheer idea of what a Gay Agenda would look like if there really was one. Who would write it? What would it entail? Here are just a few of my ideas:

1. By now, the Gay Agenda would be solely available as an E-book. No more hard copies in print. The authorized E-book could only be purchased on one website that you would need an access code to, given only after a thorough background check and interview with a local G.A.F. ( Gay Agenda Facilitator)
2. There would be a G.A. panel of twelve members. 6 high profile gays & lesbians and 6 working class citizens. The panel approves and/or tosses all of the submitted entries for the Agenda.
3. The Agenda itself would be written by WE the people. (Gotta make this a democratic process), but all items are subject to approval.
4. The G.A would be about 25-30 pages long, depending on the social climate. If the year has been fairly productive and progressive for the LGBT community, the Agenda might be shortened in length. If it’s an election year, expect the Agenda to be no less than 100 pages.
5. Every 4 years, a big gay caucus would be held where all registered gays and lesbians meet, greet and revise the Agenda. Rainbow attire is strongly suggested but not necessary, for those who just aren’t feeling it.

And last but not least

6. Panel members would recruit a highly skilled band of straight allies to help us find the expertly hidden Straight Agenda. The way heterosexuals have monopolized society as we know it, there has to be one. And we want it. Now!

Now do you see why I laugh at the thought? The whole idea is ridiculous and unrealistic. How can a community of such diverse and opinionated people manage to create one agenda that we all agree on and swear to. It’s not gonna happen. Wouldn’t it be great if those pressing the issue would move on so we could all live life happily and peacefully? How’s that for an agenda?

Befriend those we can't f*ck?

2009-03-20T11:05:00.000-07:00

Couple of questions I wanna toss out:

While you're in a relationship, how well do you trust yourself in a strictly platonic friendship with someone you are attracted to?
NOW, after all the BS i've been thru and put my gf thru, I trust myself pretty damn well. There were times I know I would've F'd it all up and lost the best thing to happen to me but now, don't even worry about it.

Is it realistic to think that you wont be tempted to take it there?
Temptation is a given. It happens to everyone and it wont go away unless you're deaf, dumb, blind and have no hands. But just cuz you're tempted to taste forbidden fruit doesn't mean u have to bite it cuz chances are you're gonna choke on it anyway. So back up.

Is it possible for sexual attraction to merely go away?
Now this one i'm not so sure of. I mean, yeah over time your attraction for someone can definitely fade for one reason or another. But if you're just really feelin someone and you're constantly around them or talking to them, that sexual tension is not just gonna disappear. Come on now. It takes time, and conscious work until it becomes effortless. And when that happens, you're good. But if u still gotta MAKE yourself stop flirting with someone, or force yourself to not think certain thoughts...you're in danger. And u probably know it.

Can [attractive] femmes and studs be friends and nothing ever happen?
Yes. I dont think all attractive people have to fuck each other. If im cute, and you're cute and we are cool, it doesn't mean anything is gonna happen. Especially not if im already with someone. But now, if i'm single and cute, and you're single & cute...mmm.

Can't wait for the responses. Honesty is the best policy.

Femmes vs. Studs

2009-03-19T08:30:00.000-07:00

Okay so I came up with this idea from a response I got on my last post. That's why I love when my readers comment because it keeps the cycle of ideas flowing.

Anyway, so some lesbians don't buy into the whole label thing. I buy into it all day long. I'm a very visually descriptive person, so by nature I tend to categorize people by physicalities, characteristics, style of dress, mannerisms, persona and consistency. (Trust me. Consistency is important.) So the whole stud, femme, stem, aggressive, dom thing works well for me. But that's not the point of this post.

The point is that when I first began to immerse myself in the lifestyle, I was fairly oblivious to what a stud was. I had heard of it in high school, but I wasn't turned on by the thought of a female dressing like a guy. That's all I assumed it added up to. A woman who wants to be a man. So I kinda shyed away from studs and marked them as territory I didn't necesarily feel comfortable with. (my own igonrance, i know) Then slowly but surely, I began meeting studs after I moved to Atlanta and actually took the time to stop being retarded and got to know a few. I picked up on the stud-swag and had to admit it was kinda cute. Up until then, I really wasn't all that attracted to studs. Give me a sexy feminine woman with thick thighs & hips ANY day and i'd be happy ALL day.

Uh...I don't know what happened.

It's like studs started doing some wierd jedi mind warp thing on me and I began noticing them like crazy. I dated my first stud in 2004 and haven't looked back since. lol. Now, I still find other femmes to be beautiful and we can be beneficial friends but I don't think I could go back to dating femmes. Ever. There's just something about the stud/femme dynamic in a relationship that just works for me. Don't ask me what it is cuz i don't know how to explain it but some of y'all get me....right? So do u have a preference or does it really matter at all?

Love of my life

Turning straight women out

2009-03-18T10:51:00.000-07:00

I've always been fascinated with this. Like how straight were you to begin with if all it took was a wink, a lick of the lips, two strong drinks and some game to get you in a compromising position with someone of the same sex? I know they say [whoever they is] that everyone is merely a split decision away from being at least bisexual. But I don't know how much I truly believe that one. It's hard for me to imagine my grandmother ever EVER even contemplating...uggh.. Never mind. ~~Scratch that analogy.~~ You get my drift.

So if being gay is not a choice, which I don't believe it is. What do u call it when a woman who has been straight her entire life decides to cross over? Natural curiosity? What really confuses me are women who swear up and down they had never had a thought about someone of the same sex and then one day just woke up and BAM, they're gay. Like Hmmm...(digging around in a drawer)I think i'll wear my gayness this month. I don't get it. Can it be something that just occurs over night, like having a lightbulb moment?

For me, sexuality is such a multi-dimensional phenomenon, I would think it had to be something set in place for years on end, even if it takes awhile to figure yourself out. So what to make of straight people who one day get the urge to see if the grass is really wetter, i mean greener :-)

Dear ilene Chaiken (creator of the L Word)

2009-03-13T13:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Ilene,

5 days have passed since I was forced to say adieu to the L Word. Upon the closing credits, I knew I would have something to say. I was just too pissed and bewildered to say it the next day after. Or two days after. Or even four days after for that matter. But I feel as if I am now ready to break my hostile silence and let you know how I feel about you. Not necessarily at this very moment, but definitely how I felt about you on last Sunday.

YOU SUCK.

That had to be just about the the dumbest, most open ended, least satisfying, tv for dummies series finale ever. And I am beyond offended.

I just don't understand. I already felt as if the L Word seasons were ridiculously short and crammed with too much to unfold over 10-12 weeks of one hour shows. So strike one was the fact that the last season was only 8 weeks long. Strike two was the fact that new storyline after storyline was introduced to us faithful followers when you knew damn well you only had 8,7,6,5,4, (count em down) shows to go. Strike three was the entire last show, period. From A to Z it was a huge disappointment.

Do you realize how many loose ends were left dangling in the wind? Let me make you aware.

Does Tina ever find out about Jenny's lil iphone clip of Bette supposedly going down on Kelly?
Do Bette and Tina make it out to NY? Do they get another baby?
Do Tasha and Alice keep it together? And where in the hell was Tasha all day when Alice was waiting for her to call anyway?
Does Max decide to raise his own baby?
Is Dylan really to be trusted?
Do Kit and Sunshyne Blvd (aka Sonny) live happily ever after?
Does Shane change at all at any point over the past 6 yrs?

And these aren't even all of the questions. Just the ones I feel the most animosity about. I mean really, Ilene. You built the entire seaason around who killed Jenny...and then you didn't even answer that! It just irks me how a show typically well-written, superbly acted, and with intricate story lines could end with almost no resolution at all. It just made no sense and it seemed to be a waste of the past 6 years of my life that I will never get back. Oh well. That's Hollywood for ya, right?

Just know that I expected more from you and you horribly failed to deliver.

Sincerely NOT over it,
Chanel

Prop 8 gay marriage ban is for the nosy people with no lives

2009-03-05T09:39:00.000-08:00

The passing of Proposition 8 has made it very clear that what goes on in my bedroom is far more important than what anyone could imagine. People are more interested in who I am sleeping with than what my contributions to society are. The gender of my partner is more a point of interest than the fact that I work eight hours a day, go to school, and pay taxes, yet I am not worthy enough to get married. Prop 8 gives prying, judgmental and hipocritical eyes the power to dictate my actions when it comes to the matters of my heart and, less we forget the financial advantages of legal marriage, my wallet.

Today, California Supreme Court will flex its own power by analyzing the legitimacy, scope and constitutionality of Prop 8. Those of us who would rather not obnoxiously snoop around in the private affairs of law abiding adults, will hope and pray for a fair, decent and common sense approach to this amendment. I can only hope that the supporters of such an invasive law will one day recognize the foul stench of discrimination and choose to wash their hands of it.

What goes on in my bedroom, is my business. Start minding your own.

Click here to visit the Human Rights Campaign End The Lies website against marriage inequality

My current problem with lesbian literature

2009-03-04T09:28:00.000-08:00

As i'm finding more and more lesbian novels to read, i'm also being reminded as to why I was never truly captivated with the gay book scene in the first place. I did have an enjoyable experience reading Rita Mae Brown's Rubyfruit Jungle, so kudos to her. Since then i've moved on to a new lesbian themed book and i'm searching for a reason to finish it. Like really looking hard.

My problem with current les-lit is that a lot of it is too watered down for my tastes. I need substance, and depth. I need more than street talk and relatively lame strap-on sex scenes. I need multi-dimensional characters who can deliver more than corny lines and dyke drama. (oh my god did i just say dyke!!!?) I just need SOMETHING. All of this add water and stir "literature" is not the business.

i know, i know. Why don't I stop complaining and write my own damn book?

I'm workin on that.

As of now, i'm still searching for these 50 so-called must read lesbian/gay books. I've found maybe two. Anyone have any suggestions for me? And if u suggest something i've already read or am currently reading that falls into the category of LLL (lame lesbian lit) I'm gonna call you out on it. lol.

My Fab Six (aka the finest women in Hollywood)

2009-03-03T11:14:00.000-08:00

SO I see everyone else has their 5 hottest women list posted, so I'm gonna go ahead and jump on this band wagon cuz I have nothing else better to blog about. But I have to add one more cuz I couldn't find it within my heart to leave either of these women out.

In no important order:

Sanaa Lathan epitomizes effortless beauty. And the fact that she's so low key just gives her an extra dose of sex appeal.

Halle could be spread eagle butt booty ass nekkid and still have an air of class about her that few women posess. And the best thing about her is that the older she gets, the sexier she gets. She needs to bottle her formula and sell that shit.

Love Alicia Keys. Anyone who can make playing the piano the sexiest thing ever has got to be one bad ass woman. And she's such a sweet heart.

So Perez Hilton's gay self said that Ciara has this thing about her that makes you wanna lick the tv screen whenever her videos come on. lmao. I'm not sure about all that but I get what he's saying. The way she dances, the faces she makes, her swag, it's all on point.

Ms. Angelina Jolie. Yes maam. But do you see that tat on her arm? She was at her sexiest right around the time she was with Billy Bob. That's when she was in her dont give a fuck mood, with the jet black hair and badass attitude. She always had that look in her eye like she was two minutes away from pouncing on her prey. Gotta love that. She's still a beautiful woman but she has this whole glazed over stepford wife thing going on now that I can't quite put my finger on. I guess 12 kids will do that to ya. I want raunchy, openly bisexual, rude, naughty, freaky potty mouth, borderline goth Angie back!!!

This girl is so fine I had to give her two pics. A face shot and a full body. Tocarra Jones is like the Pam Grier of the new millenium. And her latest Italia Vogue spread is beautiful beyond words.

My honorable mentions:

Eva Mendes

Salma Hayek

Charlize Theron

Lauren London

Shakira

Lisa Raye

Scarlett Johannson (She's a newbie for me. I just started payin attention to her. She's kinda hot)

And there you have it.

L word withdrawls- it's already starting :-(

2009-03-02T07:57:00.000-08:00

I don't think anyone realizes how much I am going to miss this show. Maybe some of you do. Those who were happy as hell the first time you saw a preview for the show, 2 months before the first episode aired. I was like lesbians? LA? Jennifer Beals? Oooooo. lol. And I've been hooked ever since.

And now it's leaving!!! :-( This sucks so bad..

I've had my problems with the show. When they killed off Dana I swear I was ready to quit it. I didn't care too much for Papi. When they had Shane fuck over Carm like that...y'all just dont know how pissed I was. (I'm prayin she makes a surprise cameo in the last show to come back and beat Shane's ass one good time) Kit's character hasn't had a decent story line since Angus cheated on her with the babysitter. (How lame was that?) And Jenny? I wont even go there. So yeah, there have been some slip ups. But along the way, these ladies have become an intricate part of my Sunday nights, and to quote Tasha, I'm not ready to let you go yet, L Word!!

Speaking of last night's show. Lord. Really quick commentary. Im happy Jenny busted Shane and Nikki out and now maybe Shane will stop acting like a 14 yr old horny boy and start making some grown woman decisions. She hasn't changed a bit since the 1st season. Disappointing. Bette was also a diappointment last night and she's also the recipient of the biggest retard award. As soon as Jenny came at her with "you didn't tell Tina about how you had sex with Kelly this weekend?" Bette should have drug Jenny's ass over to Tina so Jenny could say what she had to say and so Bette could set the record straight. All of this hush hush behavior is making her look guiltier than O.J. I swear, for such an educated, professional woman, she can be positively stupid. Kit...lmao. I'm just happy she knows that Sunset Blvd is actually Sonny Benson and now she can get some ass. Her reaction to him telling her he was straight and wanted to be with her was classic. Gotta love Pam Grier.

And last but not least, Alice and Tashal Words can not express how upset I am at Tasha. Alice has been done wrong every single season!!! And she's like the most loyal, most genuine, most sane person out of the group. She can't get a break! I dont understand the appeal of whatever the chick's name is who Tasha is allowing to come in between her and Alice. But I know it happens. I'm just sad. They're so cute together and I think they're good for each other. I'm not a believer in the whole two people who are different as day & night can't be in a lasting relationship. First of all, I've been in one for four yrs. Woo hoo! lol. And I think being too much alike poses more problems than bringing differences to the table. *sigh* Oh well. Maybe T will come to her senses and see that Alice is a good woman. Maybe they both need to have sex with this chick (3some anyone?) and move on.

Best moment of the entire season: Alice, Tasha and the other chick's hip hop dance. They rocked the asymmetrical multi-colored wigs, the bamboo earrings and the shiny spandex pants. I died. And I will be youtubing that scene so I can watch it over and over and over again. Tibette's performance was kinda sexy too :-)

Okay so yeah. Last nigh'ts ep was pretty good. Can't wait for next Sunday, But i'm dreading it at the same time. ALl I know is that there better be a feature film in progress. If Noah's Arc and Sex and the City can get one, TLW should have one too. Don't play.

Who Killed Jenny Prediction: I'm sticking with either Bette or Alice. Both have good motives. Especially Bette. Hers might be a little too obvious though so that's why im also leaning towards Alice. She hasn't liked Jenny for a minute now and I can see the contempt whenever she's around. We'll see if i'm right!! Predictions anyone???

Lesbian of color RANT

2009-02-25T09:56:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I live in the San Francisco Bay area. Not IN San Fran, but i can hop on Bart (Bay Area Rapid Transportation for those of you not in the know) and be there in less than an hr. I make that trip quite often cuz I love the city.

But, sadly, i'm beginning to feel as if the city doesn't love me back quite as much. When I tell people that there isn't much for a lesbian to do in the bay area they look at me as if my head is spinning on an axis. "You live near San Francisco! Hellooo! It's like gay utopia! How much gayer can you possibly get?!"

Ok, so maybe I shouldn't say there isnt much for lesbians in general to do, because there's always something, I guess. But for lesbians of color...mmm, not so much. It really sucks. I mean we're out here in swarms! Oakland (San Francisco's next door neighbor) is filled with black and hispanic lesbian's but it's as if we don't exist. And I don't mean to sound as if I want a distinct barrier between non-women of color events, and qwoc events. I dont. I love socializing with all races. But it is a little disheartnening to not have any venue where I can be surrounded with strong, fun, intelligent lesbians of color, unless its a night club. And even those have dwindled down to crap! I want neo-soul spoken word poetry slams, divas of color variety shows, HOT club scenes, social groups, political platforms for qwoc, etc. There's so much potential here it's shameful to not take advantage of it ( us ).

I can't blame it all on the bay though. It's up to the community to come together and do something. I've noticed that things tend to start up and everyone will be all hyped about it for a few months and then slowly but surely i'll be like "hey whatever happened to such and such..." Nothing lasts. Everything that even resembles a great space for qwoc falls victim to a lack of publicity, lack of support, or a general loss of interest. Once again, it sucks. I'm gonna try my hardest to come up with the best blueprint for a lesbian women of color scene that I can shop around and see who wants to jump on board. Hopefully it takes off and we start getting some representation, cuz um....i'm sick of this shit!!

;-)

L Word rant- I will kill Jenny myself

2009-02-23T09:06:00.000-08:00

This is what I looked like by the end of last nights episode

I dont even know where to begin so i'll just jump right on in and say that if Jenny was anywhere within my reach, my hands would be wrapped around her throat. Those of you who read my other post on the L Word will remember that I didn't too much care for her to begin with. After last night, i'm so through with her it's not even remotely funny and I now fully believe that it will be either Bette, Alice or myself if I can somehow warp myself into the TV, who finally kills her.

I just wanna know two things about last night's show.

1) Why did Bette let Jessie into her house in the first place? and

2) Why can't Jenny mind her own damn business? Seems like she should have a lot to worry about, with everyone hating her and all.

Let me say that I am very VERY proud of Ms. Bette Porter for being on her Ps and Qs and not giving in to Jessie's "I'm just trying to cash in my coupon" ploy. She pretty much told her to shove the coupon where the sun is scared to shine 'cuz the shit EXPIRED years ago and she's now happily in love and faithful to Tina (finally). Kudos Bette because I know it wasn't easy. BUT why oh WHY did u even have to let the scandalous hoe into your house at all??!! This is how it shoulda played out:

Here comes Jessie (Yeah I know her name isn't Jessie in this show but she'll always be frizzy hair Jessie from Saved By The Bell to me) anyway, here comes Jessie drunk as hell, stumbling up to Bette's front door with a bottle of champagne.

Bette: Kelly what are you doing here?

Jessie/Kelly: I'm soooo happy for us tonight! I just wanted to celebrate with you!

Bette: (looks at watch) Oh mm hmm, okay, well it's a little late, and i'm tired, plus Tina might be calling me in a few so let's maybe get together tomorrow or something.

Jessie/Kelly: (pouting) No Bette, tonight is our night! The opening was so great and everyone loved it and blah blah blah blah

Bette: I know. I was there. I'm tired. You're drunk and I got shit to do. Ok? We work together Kelly, so we'll see each other tomorrow. Goodnight.

Bette closes door and proceeds to NOT get herself in any trouble whatsoever. Yayyyy.

Unfortunately, that's not what happened. And now Jenny thinks she caught Bette eating this woman out on the kitchen table when Bette was really just helping her pick up broken glass after the clumsy chick dropped it. Jenny is over there snappin pics from her window like the psycho stalker she really is and yes, the pics look very incriminating but the fact of the matter remains, Bette is INNOCENT, Jessie is a SLUT and Jenny is a NUT. *sigh* Now Tina is gonna come home and the shit is gonna hit the fan.

I hope someone smears it all over Jenny's face. Nosy ass. What Bette needs to do is hopefully not empty her trash can with the broken glass pieces, show this to Tina as evidence after Jenny rats on her, drag Jessie's triflin self to the house and let Tina question her, and then proceed to knock Jenny in her throat.

Bam. End of season.

Learning to live, love and laugh as a lesbian

2009-02-18T08:35:00.000-08:00

[I was inspired by another great blogger to post my story. I hope someone can relate to it & find some sense of comfort or encouragement within it.]

It's not easily explained, the feeling that washes over you the first time you're turned on by someone of your same sex.

Let me backtrack a little. Maybe it's not proper to say 'turned on' because in my case, I was in pre-school the first time I kissed a girl and liked it. I doubt I was turned on seeing as how I didn't know what being turned on meant. Or maybe I was and just didn't know how to explain it. Whatever the case was, whenever 'P' (yes I remember her name) and I played house and snuggled up next to each other in her cot, I loved it. She was my best friend, we were protective of each other and it just felt right. I didn't get that same sense of comfort from the little boys attempting to chase me around the play ground or trick me into playing doctor with them. Yes, I snuck into corners with them to look/poke at body parts out of curiosity (dont act like you didn't) but I was more grossed out than intrigued. Call it premonition.

I was born into a heavily religious family. My father, a pastor, was ordained into the ministry when he was 12 years old. He's now a Bishop and has been preaching for over 45 years. My mom was raised in the church and has been at my father's side for 41 years. They are not perfect. But living in a household with two loving parents who do not drink alcohol, smoke, curse, cheat on each other (as far as I know), or any thing else that most "normal" people get caught up in...I had tons of pressure on my shoulders. I was blessed to have such a stable family unit, but damn if it wasn't hard to live up to at times, ya know?

Anyway, so yeah. I was in church 3 nights out of the week, and bright and early on Sunday. I sang in the choir, I attended bible study, I taught sunday school. Church was a huge part of my life. Everywhere I turned, strong, religious heterosexual beliefs surrounded me and I never felt as if I had any other choice but to fall in line. And that I did. Jr. High was fairly easy. I didn't focus much on either sex. I got A's in school and had a bunch of giggly best friends who sat around all day and talked about boys. By then, the yuck-factor of boys was wearing off and I tapped into my attraction for them. I was never boy-crazy, but there were a few who caught my attention. But still, I had this one friend (girl) who I thought about wayyyy more than any of the guys I claimed to be crushing on. There was just something about her. I couldn't explain it. At times I was ashamed of it and hoped she never picked up on my thoughts about her. There's nothing worse then knowing there's something going on in your mind that you can not control because it's natural, but it makes you feel dirty and ashamed because you've been taught that those type of thoughts are bad enough to send you straight to hell.

High school was an interesting journey. I thought about girls every single day. Who was cute, who had a nice body, who I thought could possibly be closeted bi or les. Through sly looks and quick head turns, I definitely paid attention to the female student body. Pun intended. But while I was wondering/pondering/fantasizing about women, I was dating guys. On the outside, I was straight as possible. Talked about men with my clique, hung pictures of Usher and Ginuwine in my locker (Ha), stressed over this guy and that guy, fell in "love/lust", fell out of "love" and then back in "love"...with men. My parents and family saw nothing wrong. I appeared normal to my friends. I wasn't disappointing or hurting anyone. You can say I was content. But that's a far cry away from being HAPPY. There was still that something.

I never questioned whether or not I was straight. I felt like hey, I was capable of being in relationships with men, so i'm fine. Right? Just roll with it. Fake it til you make it. Yeah. I can put up a facade all I want and fake it for everyone in the world, but it's a tad bit harder to prank yourself. Especially when you've encountered another girl who shares your same thoughts, feelings, and desires. There's nothing quite like that first time you say the words out loud to someone else. "I think I might like girls." It's like stepping out of a violent rainstorm into a warm beam of sunlight. But it only lasted a minute, because, of course that revealing statement was quickly followed with "But I mean, I haven't done anything with a girl yet. I don't know if I really could. And of course I still like guys way more."

ha.

So I downplayed my inner struggle. I was never suicidal. I didn't cry myself to sleep at night every night. Once in awhile, yes. But not every night. I didn't have this desire to come out to anyone. I didn't even know what I would becoming out about. I mean, I was still dating guys!! I was "NORMAL". And my parents were still happy as clams with their lovely college-bound daughter who dated men. If they were satisfied, who was I to rock the boat? But dammit all to hell if love didn't have other plans for me...

Once you fall in love with someone of the same sex for the first time, I swear there's no going back. No do overs. You can't hit pause and erase the occurance . It's there and you'll feel it. the more you fight not to feel, the harder it hits. And the harder it hits, the easier you bruise, and with each "bruise", it becomes harder and harder to hide.

Here come the lies: "Mom, we're just friends. You know that. What's wrong with you?" "What gay book? It's not mine! I don't know what you're talking about." "Porn!!! With women in it? Eww. [Insert random guy name here] must have brought it over here with him and left it by mistake." "Helll no, I don't swing that way! So don't even play like that." "I was not talking to a girl! Are you deaf?. And why you all up in my phone conversation anyway?" Etc...

And then came the hundreds of lies on top of the first wave of lies. I sacrificed my word, my honesty, my respect, and my personal happiness to keep my life a secret from the people I cared about the most. All in the name of fear and self-loathing. How could I ever even think of hurting my parents like this? They've done everything to give me a great childhood. They taught me right from wrong. They loved me, and they taught me that God's love is mightier than anything and the closer I am to him, the more peace I will have in life.....

And that realization is what allowed me to take baby steps towards my genuine self. When I thought about the things I was scared to death of: my friends disliking me because i'm gay, my parents being disappointed in me because i'm gay, being stared at by random strangers on the street because i'm gay. I finally realized that none of this mattered because the one person who would love me unconditionally for who I am because He made me....He would always be there. I would never be alone, and I would never be left to fight my own battles because my life has already been carefully mapped out and i'm merely going along for the ride. So why not enjoy it being HAPPY.

I'm still on this journey towards being 100% comfortable in my own skin. I still need to allow myself the oportunity and the freedom of walking into my workplace as an openly proud lesbian. It's not an overnight process. And I often wonder if i'm truly obligated to tell everyone my personal business anyway. (thinking hard about that one) But I can say that those people I was once worried about losing,my friends and my parents, know me for me now and they are still here. They still love me and it's no different from how they loved me before. I live my life as a lesbian. (with the best girlfriend ever) I love my life as a lesbian. I laugh at life as a lesbian. I'm beginning to know what true inner peace feels like, and I love it.

Tats & piercings! Love em/Hate em? Couldn't care less?

2009-02-17T08:56:00.000-08:00

My favorite piercing

Showing off my labret. i miss it!!!!!!

Ahhhh the art of body modification. The practice has been around for many moons and it's safe to say that even in the midst of this horrible recession, people being laid off left and right, corporations going bankrupt and benefits slashed...tattoo parlors and the skilled artists within them aren't going anywhere. (*maybe i'm in the wrong field*)

I'm a tattoo & piercing feign. 2 holes in each ear (I want a 3rd but out of all my piercings my ear hurt like a b*tch!), 1 eyebrow ring, 1 tongue ring, had my labret pierced but it slipped out and closed :-( , 4 tats and hopefully 2 more on the way. I got my first body piercing when I was 18, first tat when I was 19 and haven't stopped since. I think when they're skillfully done, placed in the right spot and mean something personally to you, they are a beautiful form of self-expression. All four of my tats are pretty well-hidden except for the one on my inner wrist, so my love for body art hasn't hindered my progress in the professional world at all....yet. I'm fully aware that there might come a day where i'll have to retire my beloved eyebrow ring for a 6 figure high power job, but i'm holding out on the dream of writing and selling thousands of copies of my novel first, thus being SELF-employed :-)

So what do you think of tats and piercings in relativity to the work and school place? Are they eye sores or works of art??

Wierd, but it's pretty damn cool.

Foot tats... painful but i love em. I have a pride tat on my left foot.

WOW. Now that's ~~obsession~~ dedication.

Hmmm....

The best tattoo EVER! :-) Yes i'm biased.

The couples guide to FLIRTING. Is it ok...or off limits?

2009-02-12T14:33:00.000-08:00

4 simple questions here. I'll throw in my 50 cents, you kindly donate your 2 quarters, and maybe we can come up with a whole dollar somewhere in between. K?

1.What, exactly, is flirting?
2.Are there varying stages of flirting?
3.Is it ok to to flirt when you have a significant other?
4.Is flirting ever truly harmless?

Webster's definitions of flirting are:
To make playfully romantic or sexual overtures towards someone.
To deal playfully, triflingly, or superficially with a person or a thing (to flirt with danger)
~~To move abruptly or jerkily.~~

I can deal with these definitons. The last one isn't relevant for the purpose of this post so scratch it. The first two cover the bases pretty well. To put it in my own words, to flirt is to 1)interact playfully and suggestive towards someone you are sexually attracted to or 2)to tease/play/joke with someone or with an idea that you aren't necessarily taking seriously.

So that's flirting.

In my little world, there are varying stages of flirting, all depending on your intent behind the act. If i'm flirting with the guy selling me a $95.00 pair of shoes because I think he'll knock off 15 percent for me, I probably won't be laying it on too terribly thick. A lot of smiling, direct eye contact, extra friendly chit chat and maybe leaning towards him (or her:) over the counter and there you have it. Basic stuff. If i'm flirting with a girl I see standing outside the (insert public place here) because I think she's cute and I want her to kick some game, i'll step it up a bit. More suggestive and direct. If i'm at the club and i'm trying to get some ass from a particular person (doesn't happen cuz I typically go to the club WITH the person i'm already gettin some ass from) I'd probably go all out and if she can't tell what my intentions are, she must be special ed.

So yeah, there are varying degrees of flirtiness.

Is it ok to flirt if you're already with someone?? Ok look. Flirting is natural. It's gonna happen. Whether u do it on purpose or if its just a part of who you are, you are going to flirt. Some people tend to mix flirting with being "friendly" and to me, they have nothing to do with one another. The person who says "I'm just friendly!", can usually be translated into "I flirt with every damn body!" I can smile at someone and show myself friendly to random people without smiling and showing myself interested. Granted, it doesn't happen often cuz im just not that nice of a person. lol.

And lastly, to me (and how my girl put it last night), flirting with anyone outside of your relationship is harmless only when it isn't hurting or being disrespectful of your partner. I'll add to that by saying it's also non-harmless only if the object of your flirtation does not take it or you too seriously, and as long as it isnt happening every single time you step outside.

SO there you have it. My .50 deposit. Where's yours?? Agree? Disagree? Could care less?

*This blog is cross posted at my other spot.*